the catwalk.

Well hello there fellow blog-landers! I was thinking the other day about self awareness; and how often, we are absolutely clueless or just plain wrong when it comes to knowing ourselves. So I was thinking, what are the misconceptions you have had about yourself? For example, I used to think I was fairly shy and introverted, and then I voiced that opinion concerning my social skills and got one of those are you on something? looks. Okay. Cool. Has anyone ever corrected you, and they have been right? Have they been wrong? Do you come off differently to other people than who you really are? Are you not as Christian as you thought? It's incredible the way one negative comment can be worth more than a thousand posotives... but are they empty threats? Or do they have meaning?
Thoughts, please.

refrigerator poem.

Her twirling hand bids night to jump, spring, and twirl.
Lights flash as the moon chases her swinging hips as his eyes scan for her across the room.
But she hardly cares.
Nothing matters--no more worries, no more enemies.
Just the bass pumping through her body like adrenaline before a race,
Daring her to take new steps outside the concrete walls of her comfort zone.
The arms that were once glued to her back now turn circles in the air,
With the night bidding her along.
Are people watching?
Are people judging?
Do people noticing her frizzy, sweaty hair?
But more importantly, does she care?
No.
Because finally, she is free from commitment, trends and labels.
Free from you, free from this time.
So just dance.

A not-so-simple wish list.

If I could make a million wishes, I would start with you. I would wish for the problems you have, because you look to others to fill the holes you're not capable to fill. You've made me cry. You've made others cry. If this gives you pleasure, you're even worse off than I thought. The self control it takes for me to bite my lip as you brush people off like a piece of lint on your shirt makes me shake with anger. I clench my jaw so hard I'm afraid that my body might fall into hundreds of little pieces. You won't do anything now, but you know that what you're doing is not okay. Somewhere deep down, you know what you're doing--so this wish is for you. To wake up. Smell the roses. Or whats left of them, anyways. I can't forgive you yet, but I sure as hell can pray. Because if anyone can make wishes come true, it's Him.

exams stink like dog crap.

oh the joys of youtube.

I thought this was pretty funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv4SCfEuYqg

lonesome? I think NOT!

Yesterday I went to the library (and then starbucks after it closed at 5 o clock) by myself. No other people. Just me and my Ipod, and the ever present cell phone. It was so nice being somewhere with people, but by yourself. It's as good as "alone time", because no one knows you, and in a way, you are alone... you're just surrounded by people that really don't care about you. I felt noticeable, but invisible, and it was very freeing. Librar. To free. En espanol. Es una lengua (also a word for tounge) muy divertido cuando tu tienes un "cheat sheet". Sorry. I've been studying to much.
To continue with my alone rant, I also am giving up facebook until next sunday, so I will not be distracted when I should really be doing something constructive. Another way to seperate myself from the world. Too many people today think that staying home on a friday night is a waste of time and "social sucide". Well I say it's time well spent focusing on what you need to do! Baha! Take that society!!
Also over this weekend, I have learned that I study better when I am not in my house/my room, because my brain confuses studying time with relaxing time just because I'm in raggedy pajama pants listening to Jack Johnson, when really I'm trying to focus. Ah. Silly brain. WORK WITH ME HERE.
All in all, here are some stellar studying tips that may work for you if you are lazy/slightly anal-retentive:
1. Go out somewhere by yourself! If you went out just to study, you will feel commited to do so. Plus, you probably look like a fool when you tune out anyways, so thats even more motivation to stay focused.
2. Take breaks! Every two hours or so, log onto blogland or something equally as brain frying and hang loose so you are more efficient in your next studying stretch.
3. Drink coffee! Not only is it delicious, but it keeps you awake and attentive. But maybe it makes you a little hyper if you are like me... so use with caution.

and in this I find hope of all "hopes".

Lord, help me get there.
In a week I'll be okay.
Just a few more weary, long and stressful days.
Lord, help me get there,
Because I can't make it on my own.
I try my very hardest, but I might as well be alone.
Lord, help me get there,
When my friends don't know what to say.
They always want to help me Lord, but they can't always make it okay.
Lord, help me get there.
Please, Lord, help me get there.

grace note.

I was such a terrible person today. And I'm sorry. I feel like my head is about to explode, and all I want to do is scream and have no one hear me. Everything I did, said... I'm sorry I can't be perfect; I wish I could... for you anyways. You have no idea how much willpower it takes to get up in the morning when you know you have to climb a mountain everyday. Every ounce of my being is saying "You can't do this. Give up now. Why are you trying?", but somehow I keep going. And I know it's not me anymore. It's something that not everyone knows, but only those lucky enough to realize it's in them. I need help. Counseling. Maybe a slave to do my homework as I focus on the things only I am supposed to do. But goodness... CUT ME SLACK. So I blew up. A little. Not even that much. CAN I GET A LITTLE GRACE FOR BEING AN EXTREMELY STRESSED OUT AND USUALLY VERY REASONABLE TEENAGER??? Seriously, I'm trying here.
I'm sorry, no one really cares about me ranting about all this stuff... you probably feel like a fool for reading this. But this was definitely one of those posts thats for my benefit more than yours.

speaking of stepping on toes...

Incredibly difficult and unfair decisions much? HOLY COW. Sure, go on, keep it coming. I already have a TON to think about... might as well keep it going, right? Well I have this thing called a motivation/tolerance cutoff... and I just passed it. I CAN'T DO THIS. There's so much to do, I don't even know where to start. Then all this dance stuff had to come rolling along... GAH. Seriously. It's not like I'm not grateful... but man alive. COME ON.


summary: me = GIANT STRESS BALL ROLLING TOWARDS AN UNAVOIDABLE CRASH INVOLVING LOTS OF SCREAMING AND SWEARING THAT WILL PROBABLY OFFEND LOTS OF PEOPLE.

dilation.

Apparently I'm stepping on a lot of toes, but have you ever noticed that the floor is covered in feet?

my words couldn't say.

A greater love than any sorrow can never be denied.
But never has a thought of reason ever crossed my mind.
All I know is when all are lost, and the weary lose their flame,
Silence fills the endless gap where sunlight has remained.

why high skoo' is DUMB

1. Materialism.
2. Flirty girls who thinks its attractive to have your mammary glands falling out of their shirts.
3. People who laugh for the sake of being heard.
4. Teachers who should really care more about their job.
5. Always feeling the pressure to be blonde and skinny.
6. And wear a North Face jacket.
7. And have a Vera Bradley purse.
8. And wear jeans that are WAY too tight for your ass. (honestly? leave a LITTLE something for the imaginiation)
9. People who don't care.
10. People who are selfish and therefor do not see (or maybe even care) about the suffering of others.
11. Mean girls.
12. DOOOOOSH boys. (no, i don't know how to spell doosh... haha)

why high skoo' can be GOOD
1. Fun opportunities to express myself in the ways of being loud and overly confident (aka acting)
2. Singing.
3. Lovely people that I get to see everyday.
4. A chance for me to be an active Christian.
5. It's and education... I hear that gets you places.
6. You get to read good books (the Chosen? Their Eyes Were Watching God? Maybe? Eh?)
7. Fashion inspirations! (some people dress so cool.)
8. Boys. Don't laugh... you know you were thinking it too. Haha.

And of course theres more. But I'm being called upstairs. Any others?

welk, my friends, its time we chat.

It sounds like everybody is super confused about life and purpose and God and all the deep things that I LOOOVE talking about, and franlkly, are the most important things we CAN talk about.
So if anyone is up for it, I suggest a little meeting for us blog-landers sometime.
Coffee saturday night? Or dinner? Whatever. Lemme know.

run run run.

It's amazing how running makes so much sense. Your legs, lungs, and the music you're listening to all working together. All you need to know is go, go, go. You don't even need to be good to understand that. Everything about it is logical. Why am I so tired? Because you're dragging a fat ass around. Why am I losing my breath? Because you need more oxygen for your muscles to work that hard. Oh, and my favorite, WHY AM I DOING THIS??? Oh yeah. Because I want to be skinny.
See? Logic. Unlike other stuff. Like people.

lets do this.

Quick! Let school start before I change my mind about being ready!

you're lost.

not saying I'm found, but better off than you.
it hurt.
you suck.
no, you can't make it better right now.
because it stings.
cuz "I'm the bitch".
yup.
you sure are awesome.
your clothes.
your "friends".
and not for one miserable little second would I ever want to be you.
because I am not ashamed.
and I have to say... I won.