Friday, November 26, 2010

i ask for no expectation.

the sun has gone down twice, and already i am changed
not in age or stature
but in inner countenance and memory
number means nothing, i suppose
yet how ironic that as soon as i reach this threshold i want nothing to do with it
from bleeding, panting, sweating, and shouts
i have come
kissing a book
repressing an earthly concept of love
and daring the wind to chase me
kneeling and reading
conservative to liberal
judgment to humility
i ask for a transformation of my inner most heart,
as long as i know that someone pursues me
i ask for no expectation
just a changed heart.

Monday, November 22, 2010

whole and full.

thus it is perpetuated.

you got your yearly fix, and i was sad to hear your cries.
but i was happy to catch your tears and collect them in a bowl to dump with the rain.
washed away.
we seldom are alone, but it is in those moments before we truly awake that we are us.
but when someone else can see those threads of true stretched across our expressionless faces, we find friendship.
a little empty, but whole. covered.

we will climb these days like endless stairs, but when we reach the top, we will be whole and full.

whole and full.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

our bodies are biodegradable.

why cant this work? six days from now. six damn days and half an hour earlier. let it go. let it all go because plans never complete and someone has a plan for me that has nothing to do with my expectations. so they will fall. every time. we sure are cute, aren't we? not all of us have that. not all of us have expectations put on us that have something to do with loving what i do and succeeding in it all. some of us dont have one to make us a six. in between a whole lot of no one that has concern for a lot of things. and i would carry you. i would spin the wheels so we could end up on the big screen with our hopeful friends but instead we will fall, waiting for nothing as the world spins madly on, and i am its gerbil running and getting no where. treading water while writing flashcards calls for smeared boy's handwriting caught in the dim light that makes you squint your eyes on this thursday morning that i hate hate hate. it was thesis seeking, and you only saw a "hazy, distant dream." all this work, this planning, for nothing? this time, this voice, for a zero written on my hand. you lose, baby, you lose. i put myself out over the big canyon river only to see it all disappear as my curly hair falls flat to my scalp full of nothing but negativity and words. so i will write forever until i figure out what i'm missing. one day it will come, and i need no ponds. just an end to this goal-less life of expectations, expectations, expectations and squeaky notes above the pissagio as you flip your hair and bear your thick head on top of your ignorant shoulders. give me a stage and i will explain if anyone cares to listen to my empty voice that mutters when i'd rather not speak. its tones are empty and i'd rather not ask you unless if i dont mind the stamp of pity on my forehead. for once again, this futon hurts my ass and my work is not enough. i am partial to nothing but an escape from pressure. dont tell me to stop. for i will keep going until these keys are worn out and my skull is in the dumpster. but i will. because you have places to be and i have excuses to make. until then.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

sister, brother.

this picture tells it all
your smiling face,
your crossed arms
my poised leg

his hands out,
stumbling over
rocks and rivers

for what happened
and what is surely to come

whatever happens,
don't leave me
or i will surely be the source of these
and the dust in these

Saturday, November 13, 2010

sweet secret.

i have plum juice on the tip of my nose,
and no one can see
it smells like candy,
and no one can see
because no one is me,
and no one can see

Monday, November 8, 2010

bedtime story.

and in 40 years i'll learn to take,
and in 40 years i'll surely break
from all the things unseen, unsaid
pills taken with my daily bread
love like water,
see-through and thin
thoughts of tomorrow
chintzy, like
pictures lost in the cream-colored walls
the color long lost and surely now
and i will continue to put up these clippings
until you find me
lost, and still

Friday, November 5, 2010

at the thought.

rolling around in my head
like a ball
i'll sort out every angle,
look at every scuff mark,
and bounce to see if i can
catch you
most likely
so much

Thursday, November 4, 2010

something good.

this feeling again
head way above me
who knows where i'll end up
so i'll leave it to fate
or prayers, or
look up, up,

Monday, November 1, 2010

did you see me smile?

and we're all so happy with our plastic painted smiles
cringing at the thought of skin and temperamental trials
waiting for the lights to fade,
blemishes reveal
losing our id and life
skip this powdered meal

strutting with legs of solid silver
today it is i who win
cut the crap
cut the lights
take me to simple sin