give it to me

living a life of choice and conviction: not easy.  but something tells me its necessary.  sometimes i scare myself with the stuff i am capable of--good and bad... but i know its heading somewhere.  the way i think.  big circles as the fog clears and then details details details.  why doesn't he want me?  why does it matter?  how does everything get so deep so quickly lately?  it scares me.  but something tells me it is me.  finally i am finding that confidence in me and of me.  and it doesn't mean happiness but it means a new point in my life; a point that rests on the arbitrary.  its delicacy and complexity strain me, but i must always believe in the worth i have as just me.  you cannot live for other people, it will kill you.  i am sure of it.  but i will live for the god who pisses me off but love.  and who loves me.  and he will see me through, he will show me my worth and value and potential.  he will make me okay again.  for this i pray every night.  and for my best friend, because she is everything to me.  and she deserves everything.  lord, let people into my life who will only heal me.  who will cherish me.  because people who understand me know i need that, and yeah, i deserve that.  friends.  boys.  boys who are friends.  adults.  employers.  professors.  show me that i am finally worth it all despite the voices in my head that tell me that i am nothing, and that my life is aimless, and that there is no hope.  keep my head above water and my voice true to myself.  give me honest words to those who deserve them of me; to those who i can share a part of my soul.  grant me peace with what i have been given and the choices i have made.  although fairly convinced i have hit rock bottom, you never know.  so bring me up.  i dare you.  because i want it.  and if life is mine to grab, and people say i can choose to be happy, allow me to choose the future that is mine.  i will live this life and be in this world if i am capable of making the changes to be happy again.

give it to me.

dancing in the dark.

lets be mischief
because there is nothing else
nothing else to be good for
so touch me
dont let me go
for i will surely be lost
in the decrescendo
in the dark
dont let me go
cause i wont come back

untitled

friends,

this is the day i start the rest of my life.

a boy named trouble.

i hope my words stung
like a quick jab to the heart
but why do i search you out?
i find myself drawn to your manipulation, your callous way
one day i will regret all of this, regret you
i hate it, but i really cant afford to think about it now
what with my future riding on a string of maroon and gold dental floss
i just want to be worth loving without anyone's permission
i'm going to say it
i fucking hate you
and i fucking hate that i still want you
and so continues every story about a girl and a boy
why would he possibly want me anymore?
the shame that courses through me when i see you
the hate that punches through my heart
the smile that escapes my lips
because between two people like us, it cant be simple
i fucking hate you
i fucking love you

blanket.

oh mystery,
oh satisfaction
you are nowhere
nowhere to be seen or heard
all chairs make me writhe
both sound and silence cause my fingers to crawl
and dont you dare tell me, or even suggest what i should do
or i will cut you out, just like the others
segmenting my life is no longer a problem
my woven secrets become my blanket at night
they hold me when no one else will

snip.

they say the only way to lose these bracelets is to cut them off.
so carefully we braided them with beads around our wrists,
laughing at the marks they left on our skin.
in a few showers, they began to thread away.
if they were drinking glasses, they would be chipped--useless.
in fear of seeing my pale wrist exposed,
and the scars underneath unearthed,
i tried to keep these tokens of times better forgotten together.
but really, i should let them fall,
sliding off my wrist like unwanted clothes [so often in the dark].
gravity pulls them close to her chest,
beckoning these trivial pieces fall, damn you.
and i fought.
beyond my better judgement.


i left my goddamn house, smoked a few, gave several peoples calls,
only to realize that they were not the problem.
i am the problem.
because i dont make you happy anymore.
i dont clean my room.
i dont brush my hair.
i dont do my homework.


without a sound,
i will slip away.
no more bracelets will be chained to my wrists.

claws.

there is something beautiful in it

like the edge of a razor, so clean, it shines

that danger

in eyes so dark, there is light

in secrets so big, there is truth

if only we could speak of the things so carelessly spoken

tense

pressure

release

"if only you could see yourself the way i see you"

unseen

red light made my teeth bite, and your mind race, and our breath smoke

not to be trusted

but you're everything i've wanted

so i balance between their good words

in a rut so dark, there is light

clawing at the sides of a shredded hole

gasping for air

until i sink, and let go of everything that has meant anything to me

you don't know me

you don't know anything at all