Saturday, July 31, 2010

smiling forever [these dusty dolls].

i have fallen past descriptions of places and things, and found a new feeling.
a nervous sort of humiliation,
but above a sense of relaxation
found only through my future's might.
for i am not a doll,
i grow and hate and spit.
i jump back and forth from cupboard to shelf,
put on my shoes all by myself.
making mistakes like it's my
i yell and dance, whisper and sob.
frowning more than smiling,
laughing more than trying.
my cheeks aren't painted ruby red,
they are pale and porous instead.
for one is worse than the other,
a better good
by anyone who isn't me.

so take your pictures of the empty head,
then when it's old,
find it under your bed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

corner of your heart.

my red headed boy
we were passion
fun and funny
dancers and losers
but time was against us
same with my soul
like with a little more
baby that's not enough

"i just need to kiss you one more time"

and my red headed boy

he was gone

Saturday, July 24, 2010

surrounded by breakable bones, and edible skin.

a feeling that burns, a taught twist, you can feel it rising up in your lower chest and surfacing in your throat--only to dive back down again with a thought of fear at it's coming.

the worst part?

the only relief is the hope that eventually it will leave.

Friday, July 23, 2010

sunrise, sunset.

what are we but ribbons woven together for a time
knotted and frayed
torn and battered
changing colors
orange to green to red
never blue
that wouldn't be you

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

hidden gems are often a figment of the imagination.

the stares aren't always worth putting yourself out there,
wearing red,
smiling to myself,
knowing all the world can see.

because in the end, my curls look like those of the next girl, but she can dance and seem pretty.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

worry is my expectation.

and so my brain becomes wrought with questions; sure to be unanswered for a lifetime.

Friday, July 16, 2010

human of the year.

hiding from you was the most ridiculous thought of my day
loving someone forever came second
humanity is nothing but feeling
the rest is loss or peace
a bore
a beautiful goddamn bore and i wish it was me
closing my eyes and picturing me singing my soul raw
until it hurt to hear me

to be me.
and i write for me
not to inspire
to understand
to think about what understand really means
because i've done a hell of a lot of thinking
and it gets you nowhere
no conclusions
and pain never gets old
you simply learn to live with it

lifting my chin
like lifting my eyes to the sky that i love
and the girl you confuse me with
dream girl
not me
and forgettable me
defining myself in struggle
not in peace
when i don't think
the world is healthier that way
with or without a bandage

a damn bandage over my stupid flawed eyes
on my stupid scarred face
on my stupid lost brain

i am anger tied together with a string
a string pulling me around
as i watch the trees go past
and the occasional wanderer who meets my doubting hurting eyes
and i wonder if they know.
the part that still thinks i can be something says yes

... cynical harsh forgettable me says close those goddamn eyes

laughing with.


patches, hats, and pirates (how they rob us).

dust to a damaged eye
wishing away
trying not to cry
putting myself in a little girl's shoes
life can change in seconds
and love is never free
half the time its not enough
the the rest of life's a foolish dream
i did it all
put it away
but in the end
its not enough
and so it goes
sky blue on a hat
symbol of hopeless aspiration

if i had a cat
it would have died yesterday

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


today was my day disruption rolled off my shoulders like a warm breeze a boy named ollie the word

skinny thrown my way coffee for cheap contagious ambition then calls a spot of black on my white

sunny day not again i knew this was coming its never about what you think until its in your

nostrils making you sneeze making your brain swim something gross like worn feet happened and

then there were two tears then there was me in my room pretending not to hear that the world

was knocking outside my door so take my hand take my whole heart too because i can't help

faling in love with you was in my head because somehow that makes life seem all too good when

we lose our favorites and sell the past for a price a cheap price and i am left in a bin headed to

our yesteryear of doubt

Monday, July 12, 2010

not a gerbil on a wheel.

like a cartwheel inside my head
circling circling
never stops

Sunday, July 11, 2010

a briefcase of spiders.

left alone on the dance floor
my stomach tied up with a string, constantly pulling to where you are
knowing the imminent goodbye
learning you've been thinking too
telling me i can
holding me as i cry a silent tear or two that you may not have seen
that damn red hair
sitting on a beach
feeling that same pull
somewhere between yes and no
swimming out
finding it harder to swim back
because this is my future
and i don't know
there is no a, b, c
sure as hell no 1, 2, 3
just you
and maybe me
or never.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

your trip to far away (a place i've been before).

i am ever so aware of every knot untied
every goodnight left unsaid


it is coming.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

it's location is full of irony.

when i was younger, it was a place i dreamed of due to it's seclusion, and the intrigue that it triggered in my imaginative mind. enticing me, inviting me.
now, when i think of that lonesome path where the trees hide the ground (so the ground remains moist all day), i only think of being vulnerably alone, middle aged men, and tripping over creeping roots. my knees sinking into muck, no longer wishing to be by myself.

my secret garden, whose gate is closed.

i never read that book.

Friday, July 2, 2010

go go go.





and all this is is talking

when all i want is to go go go

Thursday, July 1, 2010

stop stop stop it.

is it wrong to ask
why does that surprise me?
makes my mind go hopeful
my heart beat faster
my lips a little smiled
ready to ditch
you damn hypocrite
you can do better
story of my life
will that change?
a little smile
a little flip
a little thought

and i go crazy