my lover, the wind, plays with my hair as my feet which will travel the world take me nowhere in particular. suddenly my fists hold all the energy in the world and all i can do is breathe deeply to let the rush flood my veins till it spills out the tips of my hair, and this is everything. one day, my love and i will meet in the middle; love is equal, and love is safe. guitar strings click in the silence and darkness falls like the universe's eyelid and i am up in the woods and on a direct route to haphazard and for once in my life i love it and i cannot get enough. slowly my chest fills with the feeling that the dark has come and knowledge makes my head heavy because i know i will become lost in it which is something i've always wanted but feared and hated all at once and the energy returns and i am pushing myself forward because the dark has become night and i am alone with the streetlights and they don't want to see me. i want to be lost. but my heart wants to be found and held so the darkness will not take it too. at twilight my soul met my body and they danced until i didnt feel so lost because heaven is a place and energy is a visceral and tangible reality that culminates in nothing but words on a page but it feels like heaven. which is a place. but i am here, up in the woods, where no one sees me but the streetlights and no one would know i was gone for a day or so until my soul had left the earth and my body lay in the woods. after that there would be no more dancing except for the woods whose branches sway in the occasional breeze that is night and moon and anticipation of the end coming. the branches tease my face, the shell of my soul, and my body walks on till the inevitable morning.
Monday, August 8, 2011
sitting on the beach was one of the best moments i've had all summer. glen arbor is absolutely gorgeous... the stones on the beach, the grainy sand, the ribbons of color in the water. the temperature was perfect. complete separation from everything was the perfect therapy. now i am back, i have to deal with the boy situation, which sucks. and hear about working out and dieting and being better and all that shit. which i give in to... frequently.
both my siblings are in relationships. both seem like their lives are going to be figured out. predictable career paths, staying local. and what the fuck am i doing? singing? moving? resting on potential? i dont know.
i want to move out of my house into an apartment all by myself so i can stop worrying about everything im "supposed" to be doing. i need to learn what really makes me happy regardless of outside pressures. and i need to learn to be happy for people for what they have. i need to write and be alone... because it felt really good.
"stop telling me what i need to do. i will figure it out."