Monday, March 30, 2009

hey there.


i'm sorry.

i had to.

just so you know.

Shit happens. And what do I do when it does? Forget about it. Distract myself. Let it go, because chances are, there isn't one thing I can do about it.
So for people who dwell and sit in a hole filled with their own despair, distract yourself. Grab a shovel and take out the despair, if you want to take that metaphor WAY to far.
It seems like everyone is a little down in the dumps lately... so if you are, consider my advice... because just like you, i've been through crap.
And you can cry and cry, or you can rise up and pretend it's not there.

Probably not healthy... but it works.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


It's that time of year once again, ladies and gentlemen.


Yup. That's what I said.
Don't tell me you haven't seen Bambi!!

You know, the boy skunk sees the girl skunk. They go off.
The boy rabbit sees the girl rabbit. They go off.

And then Bambi finds his "doe" and then they're off.

That's right.


*inspired by a lovely talk on a saturday night. and then a similar conversation at youth group the following night. ironic.*

Thursday, March 26, 2009

construction zoooone!

i like designing blogs.
like colors and pictures.
so as much as i like mine right now, i think i may change it... hmm.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

help! i fell in a ditch.

Sometimes I just don't feel good enough.
Pretty enough.
Smart enough.
Talented enough.
Fun enough.
It's a terrible feeling... and often I don't know if I finally see myself for what I really am, or if I'm temporarily lacking some self esteem.
And then I don't know what to think.
And then I just want to cover my head with my blanket, and pretend that the rest of the world isn't there... because if I have nothing to compare myself to, how can I not be good enough?

This isn't me digging for compliments.

This is simply... me.

Monday, March 23, 2009

i've got a question for you...

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.
So I let him go,
put him down
But I didn't offer a hand back up.
Lord knows whats in store
for me
and that other Man
far away.
But I want him
Yet my time has not yet

Thursday, March 19, 2009

corner of your heart.

When i think if i have "found myself'', I realize that I'm not really looking. The only time I really realize what I'm doing is when people are watching me... or when I notice anyways.
And I know people don't always like what they see. I'm too loud. Or I don't care about them. Or whatever they feel they need to say about me.
But I can't always be what other people need to see. If you don't like what you see, have the courage to look in a mirror and fix yourself before you find the flaws in me.
I'm not saying I don't have actual flaws... because I know I do. Oh, I do... but everything goes so much deeper than any label anyone can say.
So please. Think twice before you say something about someone else... because word travels fast, and we are so much more vulnerable than what we like to believe.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

no sunlight.

They say April showers bring May flowers, but it always seems to rain in March. In March, it seems as if the skies were never blue--never will be blue. A giant sheet of dusty gray surrounds all the dead. Dead from winter. Dead from life. And who am I to make it live again? I am one person. One person getting older. Graying. Hair and skin take on the blase tone of things that are dead--but soon the black and white of life blur together as well. How can I set life right when I am not right myself?
March is like running--never fast enough. Never fast enough to escape the rain, or fast enough to divert my eyes from the dead skies. At least it all used to be covered. Frozen in place, at least. And I didn't mind.
But now, there is so much to see--so many leaves plastered against the cracked and salty road, so many branches laden down from humidity. And I, pathetic I, cannot even lift up myself, let alone the spirits of others. Because really, what hope is here? What is reachable? What promise?
No. I cannot see through the opaque gray sheet that acts as a bubble--surrounding my life, forcing my eyes to look at nothing but my struggles, my faults... my past. For all I know, there is no future; I can't see it. Hell, I can barely see myself.
The wind constantly hisses--you're not good enough. You're not good enough. You will never be good enough--because I can't see the sun. There's no sunlight. No sunlight.

there are some things i know i cannot do.

it's hard not to eat when food is being stuffed down your throat.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

fix it. how? don't care. just fix it.

Okay. here it is. my last emotional outlet before i begin the week.

so seriously? you think that that doesn't hurt. that its all about whats funny at the moment, and what makes you laugh. and i smile. of course. because if i dont you'll find another thing to call me... as if that would help my trembling self esteem. this world is just so freaking MESSED that theres nothing i can do. everyone has problems. i have problems. you have problems. the mexican government has problems. health is a PROBLEM. hurt is a problem. and yet everyone thinks that no one cares. and they do. OKAY????? so just chill. and stop calling me things. if it were up to my inner selfish self i wish i didnt care about anything, so when i go to bed at night i can just hit the pillow and fall asleep without a care in the world. i wish me and the world could talk. i wish we both had time to stop and listen and try to solve all these damn problems that just keep on coming up. but when it comes down to it--its you. everyone solves their own problems. because no one has time to care anymore. no one can let go of their pride, or their past, or the thoughts of others. i've prayed to God to give me my compassion back, but all it gives me is pain. and a sense of hopelesness. i just want to cut all my ties and wander off into the wilderness except that I am NOT a nature person (even though I should be, apparently), i need people to talk to so i can get stuff like this off my chest, and frankly, to be realistic, i would probably get eaten by a bear. Or raped and murdered. bceuase there are some things people just CAN'T DO. and nothing from this earth can change that.

so what do you want me to do? what in the world do you want me to do?

well this is what i'm doing. if it helps you, good. if it doesn't, i'm sorry. but one of the hardest lessons i've learned in life its that no matter what you do, you can't make everyone happy. i'm giving up distractions. i'm giving up things that keep me away from whats important.

and guess what? i'll probably piss someone off doing it.
but i'm also giving up what i feel.
so i can focus on others feelings.
because maybe that will make me feel better.

because, maybe, just maybe, no one will have anything to say about me.


why do we feel? why can't we go through life, not getting attatched to anyone, because breaking apart is always too hard?
i'm going to live my life like a machine this week.
do my homework.
do multiple.
thats it.
i'm not going to care about my feelings, because according to a lot of people, I don't have any.
so that's how its going to be.
work, and other people.
because i'm not inside their head.
and they're not inside mine.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Okay its back.
False alarm.

This is just one of those moments when you do something stupid before really thinking about it.
1. Swearing in front of Mitch's mother. AWKWARD.
2. Sending a random text because you are bored and receive no response.
3. Being the leader and telling people what to do and finding out you were wrong and told EVERYBODY the wrong information.

Oh life.

missing a blog?

I look at my page and my blog is missing.

It is GONE!!!!!

Now what am I going to do when I really need some random assignment for creative writing class???