Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Mom: "Coming home."
Me: "Ha ha. Word."
Mom wins the eloquence award on this one.
That's not all i have to say about my time away... really. I had some good deep talks with my sister, a few laughs with my brother, and perhaps more of an understanding for my dad and his family.
A frustration with sitting.
And aunts i never see.
And the cousins i don't really have a chance to know.
And a new-found ability of bowling. 5 strikes baby. Cause that's cool...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
new years resolution: have some respect for other people's feelings. because we get hurt, and
Friday, December 18, 2009
a little bit of everything
all put into a jar.
like hundreds of coins
waiting to be dollars,
in a tin from my favorite place.
making a jingle every time i need a quarter, or a nickel...
perhaps a dime. but shh!
don't make a sound...
heaven forbid there be a ring
that someone else cannot have.
which only adds to the appeal.
so i will remain
for only a few months more.
then i leave
with all my quarters and secrets
that i have chosen not to share
*note of irony: as i was about to title this post, paper planes by MIA came on. coincidence?? i think not.*
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
i just hope that although i have been a neglectful child that he will bless my new beginnings and perhaps some happy endings. i just got a reeeeeally fruity image of a rainbow. haha.
sometimes i am serious, sometimes i am not. in between, i'm usually tuned out. lost in thought.. worrying about something i want, or want to fix. dah. it is tiring, this whole human thing.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
i am a cruel person. but this is what the world is like for too many wonderful boys and girls... i laugh at truth? or do i recognize this cartoon in myself? hmm. it's still funny.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
that and other songs on repeat in my life:
"Married Life" from Up.
"Oh, Darling" by The Beatles
"Here Comes The Sun" by The Beatles
"The Call" by Regina Spektor
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
like in kindergarten.
Friday, November 27, 2009
it's something like the holidays aren't special anymore, and stuff that used to be so fun just doesn't get my heart rate going anymore. and being tired, and never really understanding because every question that i am going to have from now on isn't going to be "yes" or "no" in two seconds.
and wonderful rambling-on sentences because that's kind of how my mind thinks.
and then i realize that i change everyday, if not on the outside, than the in. i never really know what i am thinking, and i am not as eloquent as elle, or as thoughtful as kat, or as open as belle to say something about me just running in circles wondering if i was supposed to stop a while ago or just keep on chugging because what the hell? maybe i'll trip and i'll see myself in a puddle.
you know, that "a ha!" moment of really getting something for like one second. instead, it is just me, wishing i wasn't committed, wanting to sleep. because my dreams don't make sense, but at least i know that's okay.
and you're probably reading this (or maybe you're not... hmm. that's embarassing. how do you spell embarassing anyways? emberassing. emberessing. i give up.) and just thinking where the heck is she going with this??? and i have an answer for you. i don't know. but writing is a release, so here's me writing down a few of my run on sentence thoughts. and if they make sense to you, lemme know. because right now, i just want to see a puddle with my face and have an "a ha!!!!!" moment, EVEN if it means getting my new pretty boots wet.
i know. it's that big of a deal.
common sense is saying, "hey you! stop typing. it's kind of like you're digging a giant hole filled with NO ONE CARES" but I think i will keep going. because maybe someone fascinated with how the mind works will take a mo to read this pretty much un-filtered post.
i remember once my dad went to the emergency room and i was sitting at a window and just crying because i was confused, and then i went downstairs to watch gilmore girls, because i was kind of jealous of these girls who's biggest issue was if jess would stop being such a bad-ass. it was kind of nice losing myself in the land of fast talking and coffee at luke's and oh em gee logan is SO HOTT. because there's nothing simpler than a script. they tell you what to do even when you're not talking for goodness sake. maybe that's why i like acting. i dunno.
i sort of find comfort in the mystery of a person's depth and memory. like that excuses having personality confusion... it's kind of nice.
i hate that commercial before movies for pepsi max, that one part where the guy drops a bowling ball on the back of some guy's head. my dad has a scar there.
i like saying stuff that i know is true about myself out loud. strange security.
i wanted my birthday to be over on tuesday... don't ask me why.
this is a really long post. i wonder if anyone will finish it.
i want to test you by saying something like "if you read this whole post, clap twice!!!" like they do in kindergarten. except i'm probably not sitting by you, slash anywhere near you. so it would just be dumb.
hey but if you did clap, that's pretty cool.
where was i going with this? i don't remember.
i'm gonna stop.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
it's only my second... but it will still be sad anyways.
i invest too much of my life into this it's hard to just brush it off once it's done.
so let this be the last, the best, the most memorable, and the most fun--all while getting it done.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
and this is not one thing in my life. it is the all. it is life pushing me around because i always forget that control is a word that i will never truly understand.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
and yet there's always someone that's not happy.
and it makes me mad.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Can it resolve?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i want to bottle my anger into glass, and seal it with a cork.
then, i want to throw it into lake michigan. more preferably the ocean. because then i wouldn't have to see it again.
i wish i wasn't angry.
i wish i didn't care.
i wish i could be okay with people using me
but i'm not.
so that is what i want to do.
but as i hold the bottle in my left hand,
i realize that i cannot.
so i take out the anger and clothe myself with it.
letting it cover who i really am.
because i cannot let go of my hurt and frustration.
i would rather dwell with it, until in my head, it becomes justice.
which it won't.
so here i am. and as i hold this glass and gaze into the memory, i put it into my nightstand drawer.
because that's where i keep things.
first to green and then to blue.
A tight feeling
but breath makes the pressure
that much better.
My life has distracted me
from what it really means
And as I page
through each worn thought
I feel my ratty clothes
and patchy gloves.
Are my fingernails
My skin that dry?
Memory has convinced me
of the tattered truth
that is me.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sometimes answers of black and white don't cut it for me, and I truly believe that nothing is simple. There are wires behind the screen and veins under our skin... memories inside the brain.
So what is perfect?
Not you, not me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
when the box is first opened, we are all together.
every piece is there, none are scratched or lost.
beautiful pieces of manufactured bliss.
then life decides to take us out of our sweet cardboard home,
throw us on a table,
and move us around.
some people you trust with those pieces, and they damage them.
bending them at the edges, so they will never quite fit again.
or they lose them,
somewhere on the hardwood floor.
not quite as soft as cardboard.
and sometimes we just can't reassemble ourselves,
and it's not fair,
and why can't someone else do it for us?
why was this box ever opened.
all of us
have lost some pieces
and can't find them again
so there is a hole
when we come together.
where is my cardboard box?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
It also hit me the other day in between fits of sleep that this is the last. There will be no musical next year. There is only this year and then I am an adult. Right now I am sixteen. How is this happening? Next year I am on my own. Living the life I've dreamed about for who knows how long. But this is what I miss, and what I can't stand.
Maybe life starting will fill the hole. Or maybe it will disappear.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
senior pictures: check.
SLAP reductions: almost check.
books: almost check.
yay chips! i imagine them as barbecue flavored... because they are delicious.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Something like anticipation for a world that I know nothing about... except for the pictures that have passed over my eyes like hands petting an old cat. It snuck up on me. And now hear it is: Germany. I expect nothing. I fear nothing. I know nothing. So let these two weeks fly by in a thrilling sort of way. If speed is what you assume links itself with the word "fly," let time sneak up on me... if fate wishes it to happen that way. Help me not to forget. Forget me not.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
a) touchy-feely with my boyfriend in public
b) talk in such a way that could make a romance novelist puke (ie: "you hang up!" "noooo... YOU hang up! hee hee hee hee hee hee frickin HAW!"
c) that girl. and we all know her: "what should we talk about? how about we talk about when so and so brought me this and it was SO CUTE like ehmagawsh." (i may have done c. for that i apologize.)
you may shoot me. or slap me across the face and say "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU WOMAN?!" either one. i will probably get the point.
but really. couples can be so cute... and grazing over your boyfriend's/girlfriend's butt in public will not now, or ever, make me say "awww". it's the little things, people. the little things.
and why would you write on your boyfriends facebook wall? why? because he's probably just a phone call away from rushing over to you in a mix of adrenaline and testosterone.
lesson learned: do not be that girl. or the consequences won't be very pretty... he he he...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Rungs on this ladder have been climbed before.
I have, I believe... but no more.
Your fresh, red paint doesn't make you more appealing.
It doesn't give you better grip or more feeling.
Glossy paint makes you slippery...
only easier for those at the top.
So I simply
Probability. 3 in four green jellybeans.
1 in four suicidal teens.
Way too many health related dreams,
Even more ripped at the seams.
So throw your water balloon into the sky,
And take a guess if it will fly,
Or be blue, or if the inevitable will come true.
sitting in the tub. (an attempt at imagism)
In the bubbling tub sat one who had the brain of a child, one who acted like a child, and one who was a child.
the blanket poem. (an attempt at free verse.)
Under my blanket,
in my own world
of stale air
and soft linen,
is higher than my
except for the blanket
surrounding my kingdom.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Possibly my favorite band. Just because their second album was really good, and they're good looking, and funny... and they had personality and spirit for life.
And they split up, damn it!!
And I never got to see them live.
Which was my dream.
ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST! Looks like it's time to play their first album in remembrance.
Some fans were crying and expressing their laments on youtube and such. This i found ridiculous, but the fact remains that a very good group has split. And it feels dumb to listen to their music.
That was my album of the summer. Just yesterday i was raving about them.
2 people went a pop way, 2 of them went in a more classic rock way. The name remains with the ones who stayed pop. But i like the 2 who left more.
Aaaaaaaand no one cares. Haha. Sorry. But i had to express my deep, teen-riffic grief. So there it is. Tear.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My phone is dead.
I lost my charger.
Tomorrow my family and I embark on a journey that will take us 5,000 miles.
In the same little car.
Basically, my patience = ZERO.
Sorry. This is really whiney. The trip is going to be fun... I'm just scared that I'll be tempted to jump off a cliff at Jasper national park (Canadian) as I see family I don't really know on a trip that's really long. Three weeks, people. Three weeks.
Bah. Goodbye, blogland. Goodbye, America. Goodbye, friends.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
So I watch those who are. Those who cannot see, and those who's confusions are rewarded with bracelets and empty applause.
My pen is poised like a spear in my quitting and lying hand, challenging those who doubt me. Like myself. Little does my pen know, the paper does not count as a shield.
But my pen keeps on stabbing at those who run in circles in a great big nowhere--yet the golden tip of my ballpoint pen cannot pop their lofty ideas and anchor-less prayers.
stab in the dark.
Monday, June 15, 2009
i can barely write words to describe my frustration.
ALL BECAUSE YOU CANNOT TEACH.
you cannot imagine the ugly, ugly words going through my head, that want to be written on this screen as a testimony to the injustice. injustice. injustice.
here is something i wrote as i suffered through that joke of a class:
"I am not a gifted writer. My vocabulary is not extensive, and when I try to describe things using words like "cotton-balls" and "sugar", I erase the hopeless scribbles in shame. So I am left with only creative arrangements of simple words that phase no one and leave impressions like footprints in dried concrete. So my pencil wears on through rough paper, begging me to stop..."
I received a B+ in creative writing. Because rubrics are apparently a challenge to make understandable, and I am not a kiss-ass.
injustice. injustice. injustice.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
- Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
- Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- type only in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
I suppose a more optimistic view of time would be years on earth--allotted to us by God--to learn, experience, and grow.
But whenever I really think about time (not life), I always think about goodbyes.
Goodbye to things like running around naked and eating play dough.
A backpack filled with only a few papers and lisa frank pencils.
Innocent childhood love.
Goodbye to puberty and cooties.
Goodbye to first kisses, first dates.
First loves. Real love.
But I suppose the most heartbreaking of all--goodbye to those that we fell in love with.
Once when I was a kid, as I was falling asleep, it finally struck me that one day, my parents would not be with me. They wouldn't be around the corner, in the other room. Not even on another street, or in a different country. Just... not here.
I ran downstairs, crying to my mom.
And she started to laugh.
She looked at me endearingly, and with a sad sort of twinkle in her eye she said that "one day, you won't need me and dad anymore."
This did not really solve any of my qualms about the subject, but mom sent me off to bed anyways because it was time to sleep.
But I need her now. I cannot imagine living without her, now. So, at this present moment in time, I need my mom. I need my dad. I need my sister. I need my brother. And I need time to sort through the things that need thinking with the time allotted to me by God.
The clock has not frozen, but I concentrate on the hands where they are... not where they will be in an hour.
"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out alive."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
the world is an unfair place.
i would have to weigh 250 pounds to have those knockers.
and that is the expectation.
so girls--we are all as ugly as hell.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
If music be the food of love,
sing on till I am fill'd with joy;
for then my list'ning soul you move
with pleasures that can never cloy,
your eyes, your mien, your tongue declare
that you are music ev'rywhere.
Pleasures invade both eye and ear,
so fierce the transports are, they wound,
and all my senses feasted are,
tho' yet the treat is only sound.
Sure I must perish by our charms,
unless you save me in your arms.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
There's always Calvin, when my hope fails.
When all is lost, and it's hard waking up.
Cause the ACT sucks, my algebra grade blows,
and if motivation was graded I'd have a D.
So burgundy and gold will be my warm sweater,
when life is tough and it just won't get better. (mellodramatic... but could I really turn down "sweater" and "better"? No. And you couldn't either.)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
1. I am my toughest critic.
2. I always root for the underdog.
3. I repress my emotions more than I like to believe.
4. I work harder than I am "smart".
5. My eyes are two different colors.
6. I regret things more than I miss things.
7. I hate it when people do something and no one laughs... so I usually do.
8. When I finish saying something, I purse my lips.
It's hard to put your personality into words, but these are a few things that I can honestly say are true about myself. Most of them I have heard from other people... but I didn't put them down unless I really value or trust that source. Or they are something I notice about myself. Either way... this is part of me, put down in words. If that's even possible.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
here's something to think about:
it always kind of makes me laugh bitterly some more when i think about how dreams seem so attainable in our minds, but then are SO impossible once we put them into action. an example, for instance: wow! i want to be a singer. i think i will! hey, mom! what do you think about me being a singer? ... the unfortunate parent then attempts to point out to their gleeful child the lack of realistic thinking in their dream, and the child leaves the room feeling like a deflated balloon. sad? yes. realistic? yes. but even i (and i'm not much of a dreamer) have my moments. they usually come late at night. often its these awesome lyrics with a melody so perfect i'm fighting the urge not to sing it aloud and wake up my family. in the morning when i wake up, the song is no longer a work of brilliance but another rock-pop mutation that sounds a little too much like kelly clarkson. and this is life. and it's fine, really... because it keeps us grounded. keeps us here. where we belong.
this sounds so depressing... but really, its not. it's life. and i'm fine with it.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
This week, I have also learned that I am screwed up. I have some issues with things in my past. Some of these things are easy to talk about, like mean "friends" and self esteem issues, but some of them go so deep I can't even begin to explain them. And because of my broken inside, I know that I need more than a band aid. I need a God who loves me and understands me and knows me. He actually knows who I am, and what I'm going to say in a certain situation, and He knows which movies I'll cry in. He knows I need love when others can't provide, and He knows how I can serve him.
So here I am, waiting for the signs of when I can act next. Because now I'm ready, and now I'm aware of the love he has for me, and what others are missing when they don't know that love.
Friday, April 3, 2009
And I'm happy. Because I'll be away from here--not because I hate it, but because I don't want to hate it. Because sometimes, we get sick of the things we should be grateful for.
So I'm ready to go serve and see things that will make me grateful, and I'm ready for my first plane ride, and I'm ready for a week away from my parents and my small comfort zone of school friends.
Goodbye, home. Hello, world.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Shit happens. And what do I do when it does? Forget about it. Distract myself. Let it go, because chances are, there isn't one thing I can do about it.
So for people who dwell and sit in a hole filled with their own despair, distract yourself. Grab a shovel and take out the despair, if you want to take that metaphor WAY to far.
It seems like everyone is a little down in the dumps lately... so if you are, consider my advice... because just like you, i've been through crap.
And you can cry and cry, or you can rise up and pretend it's not there.
Probably not healthy... but it works.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
It's that time of year once again, ladies and gentlemen.
Yup. That's what I said.
Don't tell me you haven't seen Bambi!!
You know, the boy skunk sees the girl skunk. They go off.
The boy rabbit sees the girl rabbit. They go off.
And then Bambi finds his "doe" and then they're off.
*inspired by a lovely talk on a saturday night. and then a similar conversation at youth group the following night. ironic.*
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
It's a terrible feeling... and often I don't know if I finally see myself for what I really am, or if I'm temporarily lacking some self esteem.
And then I don't know what to think.
And then I just want to cover my head with my blanket, and pretend that the rest of the world isn't there... because if I have nothing to compare myself to, how can I not be good enough?
This isn't me digging for compliments.
This is simply... me.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
And I know people don't always like what they see. I'm too loud. Or I don't care about them. Or whatever they feel they need to say about me.
But I can't always be what other people need to see. If you don't like what you see, have the courage to look in a mirror and fix yourself before you find the flaws in me.
I'm not saying I don't have actual flaws... because I know I do. Oh, I do... but everything goes so much deeper than any label anyone can say.
So please. Think twice before you say something about someone else... because word travels fast, and we are so much more vulnerable than what we like to believe.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
March is like running--never fast enough. Never fast enough to escape the rain, or fast enough to divert my eyes from the dead skies. At least it all used to be covered. Frozen in place, at least. And I didn't mind.
But now, there is so much to see--so many leaves plastered against the cracked and salty road, so many branches laden down from humidity. And I, pathetic I, cannot even lift up myself, let alone the spirits of others. Because really, what hope is here? What is reachable? What promise?
No. I cannot see through the opaque gray sheet that acts as a bubble--surrounding my life, forcing my eyes to look at nothing but my struggles, my faults... my past. For all I know, there is no future; I can't see it. Hell, I can barely see myself.
The wind constantly hisses--you're not good enough. You're not good enough. You will never be good enough--because I can't see the sun. There's no sunlight. No sunlight.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
so seriously? you think that that doesn't hurt. that its all about whats funny at the moment, and what makes you laugh. and i smile. of course. because if i dont you'll find another thing to call me... as if that would help my trembling self esteem. this world is just so freaking MESSED that theres nothing i can do. everyone has problems. i have problems. you have problems. the mexican government has problems. health is a PROBLEM. hurt is a problem. and yet everyone thinks that no one cares. and they do. OKAY????? so just chill. and stop calling me things. if it were up to my inner selfish self i wish i didnt care about anything, so when i go to bed at night i can just hit the pillow and fall asleep without a care in the world. i wish me and the world could talk. i wish we both had time to stop and listen and try to solve all these damn problems that just keep on coming up. but when it comes down to it--its you. everyone solves their own problems. because no one has time to care anymore. no one can let go of their pride, or their past, or the thoughts of others. i've prayed to God to give me my compassion back, but all it gives me is pain. and a sense of hopelesness. i just want to cut all my ties and wander off into the wilderness except that I am NOT a nature person (even though I should be, apparently), i need people to talk to so i can get stuff like this off my chest, and frankly, to be realistic, i would probably get eaten by a bear. Or raped and murdered. bceuase there are some things people just CAN'T DO. and nothing from this earth can change that.
so what do you want me to do? what in the world do you want me to do?
well this is what i'm doing. if it helps you, good. if it doesn't, i'm sorry. but one of the hardest lessons i've learned in life its that no matter what you do, you can't make everyone happy. i'm giving up distractions. i'm giving up things that keep me away from whats important.
and guess what? i'll probably piss someone off doing it.
but i'm also giving up what i feel.
so i can focus on others feelings.
because maybe that will make me feel better.
because, maybe, just maybe, no one will have anything to say about me.
i'm going to live my life like a machine this week.
do my homework.
i'm not going to care about my feelings, because according to a lot of people, I don't have any.
so that's how its going to be.
work, and other people.
because i'm not inside their head.
and they're not inside mine.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
This is just one of those moments when you do something stupid before really thinking about it.
1. Swearing in front of Mitch's mother. AWKWARD.
2. Sending a random text because you are bored and receive no response.
3. Being the leader and telling people what to do and finding out you were wrong and told EVERYBODY the wrong information.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
That reminds me when moon and myself took the psat on maybe three hours of sleep.
I need some coffee.
Monday, February 23, 2009
All the things going through my head and the feeling like I keep getting punched in the stomach is not something I want to explain. Which I can. But I won't.
It took me two hours to fall asleep. Then I woke up again with a start at a dream that I see all to vividly in my mind. Because stuff like that has happened in my life. And it's not fair.
What kind of world is this if it's a blessing that people can walk after a surgery?
What kind of world is this if people are thankful that they don't freeze as they sleep on the streets?
What kind of world is this if people who prance around stabbing people in the back can just keep on prancing?
Nothing makes sense.
There's this thing called passion... and I have a little too much of it in my life right now. It drives my thoughts to their very limits where I can barely keep my voice from escaping my throat. Because that is how I express myself.
Either low and shaky, or high and sweet.
A voice not my own, but one I recognize all too clearly.
And I will never be done expressing, but at the same time I've lost my caring.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Why did you let us go?
We used to be rain, light, song, and cloud.
But now we are this... people who hate.
People who want something more than this life.
All we want is to run up the stairs back to you,
But we can't climb the first step leading up,
Because we are a fallen, broken people.
Fallen and dirty.
Pick us up.
Help us up the first stair,
The one that brings us closer to You.
Friday, February 20, 2009
I realize the words coming out of my mouth are not a random feat.
I run upstairs and write them down,
Pounding on my piano to remember the sound.
I remember the thoughts, the feelings, the words,
and I play them on my dusty keyboard.
And now when I sing I remember the time
When my life stopped short and created rhyme.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm sorry. This is a public apology for me being selfish, for me only thinking about myself. It hasn't just been you either. It's everyone... everyone is paying for my actions that are motivated by only one thing: me.
And I'm sorry. I'm trying to make it better, to make things right when I say I can't, or I won't, or yeah, I'll call you tonight... when I never do.
So I'm sorry. To you, and to others that I just walk right past without thinking about. Because it's not about me.
This isn't a fun thing to admit, but I can keep on lying to myself and become someone I hate, or hate what I do and change what I'm becoming.
Thank you for forgiving, and thank you for putting up with a nut like me : )
All of you (you know who you are) are a great group of friends and I treasure you most dearly, and don't forget it. Thanks for looking past the lies that people may have told you, and still seeing me for what I really am.
And I mean it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Until he decided to let go. He threw my heart off to the side of his highway life, and just left me there. I was young. I still am. But he had me going, chasing him like a cat chases a toy, never ceasing until it goes away. He's still chugging along, sprinting down that road, looking for his next opportunity... his next fling. Maybe someone like me. Maybe some one more daring, or more entertaining on the phone. Who knows? Who will be able to capture this shooting star, flying fast and out of reach? I certainly don't, but I do know that my stomach turns a little every time I look back on that once in a lifetime chance in Jackson, Mississippi.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Lights flash as the moon chases her swinging hips as his eyes scan for her across the room.
But she hardly cares.
Nothing matters--no more worries, no more enemies.
Just the bass pumping through her body like adrenaline before a race,
Daring her to take new steps outside the concrete walls of her comfort zone.
The arms that were once glued to her back now turn circles in the air,
With the night bidding her along.
Are people watching?
Are people judging?
Do people noticing her frizzy, sweaty hair?
But more importantly, does she care?
Because finally, she is free from commitment, trends and labels.
Free from you, free from this time.
So just dance.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
To continue with my alone rant, I also am giving up facebook until next sunday, so I will not be distracted when I should really be doing something constructive. Another way to seperate myself from the world. Too many people today think that staying home on a friday night is a waste of time and "social sucide". Well I say it's time well spent focusing on what you need to do! Baha! Take that society!!
Also over this weekend, I have learned that I study better when I am not in my house/my room, because my brain confuses studying time with relaxing time just because I'm in raggedy pajama pants listening to Jack Johnson, when really I'm trying to focus. Ah. Silly brain. WORK WITH ME HERE.
All in all, here are some stellar studying tips that may work for you if you are lazy/slightly anal-retentive:
1. Go out somewhere by yourself! If you went out just to study, you will feel commited to do so. Plus, you probably look like a fool when you tune out anyways, so thats even more motivation to stay focused.
2. Take breaks! Every two hours or so, log onto blogland or something equally as brain frying and hang loose so you are more efficient in your next studying stretch.
3. Drink coffee! Not only is it delicious, but it keeps you awake and attentive. But maybe it makes you a little hyper if you are like me... so use with caution.
Friday, January 16, 2009
In a week I'll be okay.
Just a few more weary, long and stressful days.
Lord, help me get there,
Because I can't make it on my own.
I try my very hardest, but I might as well be alone.
Lord, help me get there,
When my friends don't know what to say.
They always want to help me Lord, but they can't always make it okay.
Lord, help me get there.
Please, Lord, help me get there.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I'm sorry, no one really cares about me ranting about all this stuff... you probably feel like a fool for reading this. But this was definitely one of those posts thats for my benefit more than yours.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
summary: me = GIANT STRESS BALL ROLLING TOWARDS AN UNAVOIDABLE CRASH INVOLVING LOTS OF SCREAMING AND SWEARING THAT WILL PROBABLY OFFEND LOTS OF PEOPLE.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
2. Flirty girls who thinks its attractive to have your mammary glands falling out of their shirts.
3. People who laugh for the sake of being heard.
4. Teachers who should really care more about their job.
5. Always feeling the pressure to be blonde and skinny.
6. And wear a North Face jacket.
7. And have a Vera Bradley purse.
8. And wear jeans that are WAY too tight for your ass. (honestly? leave a LITTLE something for the imaginiation)
9. People who don't care.
10. People who are selfish and therefor do not see (or maybe even care) about the suffering of others.
11. Mean girls.
12. DOOOOOSH boys. (no, i don't know how to spell doosh... haha)
why high skoo' can be GOOD
1. Fun opportunities to express myself in the ways of being loud and overly confident (aka acting)
3. Lovely people that I get to see everyday.
4. A chance for me to be an active Christian.
5. It's and education... I hear that gets you places.
6. You get to read good books (the Chosen? Their Eyes Were Watching God? Maybe? Eh?)
7. Fashion inspirations! (some people dress so cool.)
8. Boys. Don't laugh... you know you were thinking it too. Haha.
And of course theres more. But I'm being called upstairs. Any others?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
So if anyone is up for it, I suggest a little meeting for us blog-landers sometime.
Coffee saturday night? Or dinner? Whatever. Lemme know.
Monday, January 5, 2009
See? Logic. Unlike other stuff. Like people.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
no, you can't make it better right now.
because it stings.
cuz "I'm the bitch".
you sure are awesome.
and not for one miserable little second would I ever want to be you.
because I am not ashamed.
and I have to say... I won.