Sunday, April 26, 2009

and so it is.

Not too much to say, fellow blog-landers.
But I felt bad for not posting anything in a while.
So here is the most boring blog post EVER.


I'll write something when I have something to say.

Monday, April 20, 2009

just a little reflection.

Interesting things I have learned about myself in the past year or so:

1. I am my toughest critic.

2. I always root for the underdog.

3. I repress my emotions more than I like to believe.

4. I work harder than I am "smart".

5. My eyes are two different colors.

6. I regret things more than I miss things.

7. I hate it when people do something and no one laughs... so I usually do.

8. When I finish saying something, I purse my lips.

It's hard to put your personality into words, but these are a few things that I can honestly say are true about myself. Most of them I have heard from other people... but I didn't put them down unless I really value or trust that source. Or they are something I notice about myself. Either way... this is part of me, put down in words. If that's even possible.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

i never believed in santa.

i don't like my new design too much... but i was getting sick of having to look at orlando bloom and not being able to have him. haha. (bitter laughter)

here's something to think about:
it always kind of makes me laugh bitterly some more when i think about how dreams seem so attainable in our minds, but then are SO impossible once we put them into action. an example, for instance: wow! i want to be a singer. i think i will! hey, mom! what do you think about me being a singer? ... the unfortunate parent then attempts to point out to their gleeful child the lack of realistic thinking in their dream, and the child leaves the room feeling like a deflated balloon. sad? yes. realistic? yes. but even i (and i'm not much of a dreamer) have my moments. they usually come late at night. often its these awesome lyrics with a melody so perfect i'm fighting the urge not to sing it aloud and wake up my family. in the morning when i wake up, the song is no longer a work of brilliance but another rock-pop mutation that sounds a little too much like kelly clarkson. and this is life. and it's fine, really... because it keeps us grounded. keeps us here. where we belong.

this sounds so depressing... but really, its not. it's life. and i'm fine with it.

the pretty pony fiasco.

I never used to like asking God for things. All I could ever think of was some five year old girl begging God for a pony... and I refused to be like that. But the fact of the matter is, sometimes, we want things, and God WILL give them to us. Not always, and maybe not exactly, but He always opens doors. So I'm praying for a job. For motivation. For people. And God will answer... eventually.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

he knows me.

So I accomplished my goal. I'm so thankful for what I have... but most of all, my family. The theme for our week was "Living Inside Out"... and I realized that I have some issues with that. To be totally honest, I don't know who I am. I know what I believe, I know what I feel... but when it comes to putting words to my personality, I am at a loss. Because I can say one thing, and someone will say something contradictory. It's crazy. I wish I knew... but I don't know if I will. Back to being thankful for my family, it's because they know who I am, and love me despite everything. Everything. And they support me when others don't, an love me when others don't care. It's so AMAZING, and I'm so thankful to God. He has blessed me in so many ways... and I have only just begun to understand half of that.
This week, I have also learned that I am screwed up. I have some issues with things in my past. Some of these things are easy to talk about, like mean "friends" and self esteem issues, but some of them go so deep I can't even begin to explain them. And because of my broken inside, I know that I need more than a band aid. I need a God who loves me and understands me and knows me. He actually knows who I am, and what I'm going to say in a certain situation, and He knows which movies I'll cry in. He knows I need love when others can't provide, and He knows how I can serve him.
So here I am, waiting for the signs of when I can act next. Because now I'm ready, and now I'm aware of the love he has for me, and what others are missing when they don't know that love.

Friday, April 3, 2009

goodbye, home. hello, world.

So tomorrow i'll be in Texas, with the feeling of the sun's warmth on my face, the taste of deep fried food in my mouth, and the smell of sunblock evaporating off of my skin.
And I'm happy. Because I'll be away from here--not because I hate it, but because I don't want to hate it. Because sometimes, we get sick of the things we should be grateful for.
So I'm ready to go serve and see things that will make me grateful, and I'm ready for my first plane ride, and I'm ready for a week away from my parents and my small comfort zone of school friends.

Goodbye, home. Hello, world.