Thursday, December 30, 2010

we are ready now.

our worlds can alter in the blink of an eye
predictions falling like dizzy dancers
all i want is to cover you in love so you won't ever see the darkness that is street corners
take my hands
fold them up
just so you have something to hold on to

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

a curious thing.

another christmas passes by, and i am left befuddled by my curious family once again.
top (both good and bad, and in no particular order) memories:
1. beautiful indian boy massaging my hands in a organic beauty store.
2. my sensitive grandmother saying that my nose ring looks like a pig's.
3. realizing that i do actually love some of my extended family.
4. seeing how lucky i am with my immediate family.
5. buying a bump-it (FINALLY!!) at the dollarama.
6. a. being canadian.
b. partaking in family "christmas shots."
7. crying with my grandmother at the tragedy of alzheimer's.
8. meeting one of my cousins who i have not seen in a decade.
9. wearing this fantastic hoodie that i purchased thanks to boxing day... slash going shopping and actually bonding with my cousins.
10. reading heinous lyrics to my 55-year-old uncle's ridiculous songs for his mandolin (we don't play a flat tricks / we stick with a major and get the chicks).

oh canada. i don't know for how much longer we will be going to canada for christmas. soon my siblings and I will be rooted in jobs and spread all over, and these forced ties between certain family members will be lost. family is a strange, strange thing when you think about it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

the equinox.

while the sun boosts your self esteem, i will tear into muscles and nibble on pretzels. my hopes will dash the new year in its tracks, and my future will astound. if only the ones i love the most could point me in the right direction... or else music will carry me far away from anything sensible and i will live this life like it is my first day. stop leaning on walls; they will get you nowhere but the ground. leave your chains behind you, and embrace the future that is you and a Plan--for everyday gets longer from here on out. cordless, i will fly to a telephone pole and i will send messages by yelling on the tops of them as the shouts pierce the wires, so, maybe then, you will be stranded in your disastrous desire. part of me hopes you stay there forever.

remember this, love:
when you only love the things you see, you will find yourself alone in the night.

dear gremlin, this is not about you. just fyi.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

your love's too big for me.

and these things i hold on to
precious for a moment
then gone once everything around me
lights up the room
i will devour these feelings
until the cold goes away
and i have returned to the person i am when dreaming

Friday, December 17, 2010

first semester.

biting my lips
saying it doesn't hurt
hating admitting it to myself
living like today will never end
losing faith that it will
hoping for a great tomorrow

first semester, you are done. almost. so close.
please end


Monday, December 13, 2010

to be a decimal.

in this negativity i will stay
it is easier to block out potential
isn't it true that we do not love the ones around us
until they are gone?
close my doors
close my eyes
look to the ceiling
hoping that the tiles will peel away and a
will pick me up and carry me as if flying
just like in my dreams
i have not flown in a while

its not about the notes
or the highlighters
but the realization of me
of mirrors
of glass windows--
see through
just a girl in jeans
one of thousands
and that's a decimal

Sunday, December 12, 2010

this again.

looking for an answer on tv
in dreams
in strangers
in comfort
in laughter

in absolute trust and expectation for those who get too close
i am sorry for who i am
that i am weak
that i care too much

i have begun to clench my jaw again, and the endlessly nervous feeling wrenching my heart around
if you don't leave me alone, i will act
and it will be so bad
and so so so so so so so good

and my words are those of 1st grader because my vocabulary has been expended on review sheets and comprehension

its easy as 1 2 3
a b c
give me my report card, and tell me what to see

Friday, December 10, 2010

el paso.

a mismatch of people, like a ragged warm quilt. surrounding me, supporting me, influencing my
to stand, i discern and balance all that i hear to protect my malleable mind, taking care not to lose myself in red hair, yoga mats, and articles.
for it is not the goal, but the journey: that journey of independence, silence, and solitude in the morning.
my face forms a calm, pleased person whom i know as myself, resting in the depths of possibility and the fragility of tomorrow.
and on this tight-wire i will stand, clinging on to the air in front of me, hoping for the new day and assurance of forever.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

door. open. pockets.

chilly wind carves out our jawlines and sharpens our cheekbones, as the wind fills in the empty spaces inside our jackets. rushing inside as snowflakes melt off our eyelashes, likes tears. and we cry over the big things to miss the little flakes left on our shoulders, clinging to us for distance.

Friday, December 3, 2010

pity for the foolish man.

to those who do not have time:
your oblivious, ignorant attitude while cause your eyes to lose sight, and your hearts to harden. pity for the foolish man. instead, nod your heads to the powerful speaker and laugh. for i will smile and sing when i feel you can see me, pitying the fool while praying for ignorance.

"you embarrass me. you embarrass yourself"

Thursday, December 2, 2010

december two.

for now, the snow is clean and light

Friday, November 26, 2010

i ask for no expectation.

the sun has gone down twice, and already i am changed
not in age or stature
but in inner countenance and memory
number means nothing, i suppose
yet how ironic that as soon as i reach this threshold i want nothing to do with it
from bleeding, panting, sweating, and shouts
i have come
kissing a book
repressing an earthly concept of love
and daring the wind to chase me
kneeling and reading
conservative to liberal
judgment to humility
i ask for a transformation of my inner most heart,
as long as i know that someone pursues me
i ask for no expectation
just a changed heart.

Monday, November 22, 2010

whole and full.

thus it is perpetuated.

you got your yearly fix, and i was sad to hear your cries.
but i was happy to catch your tears and collect them in a bowl to dump with the rain.
washed away.
we seldom are alone, but it is in those moments before we truly awake that we are us.
but when someone else can see those threads of true stretched across our expressionless faces, we find friendship.
a little empty, but whole. covered.

we will climb these days like endless stairs, but when we reach the top, we will be whole and full.

whole and full.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

our bodies are biodegradable.

why cant this work? six days from now. six damn days and half an hour earlier. let it go. let it all go because plans never complete and someone has a plan for me that has nothing to do with my expectations. so they will fall. every time. we sure are cute, aren't we? not all of us have that. not all of us have expectations put on us that have something to do with loving what i do and succeeding in it all. some of us dont have one to make us a six. in between a whole lot of no one that has concern for a lot of things. and i would carry you. i would spin the wheels so we could end up on the big screen with our hopeful friends but instead we will fall, waiting for nothing as the world spins madly on, and i am its gerbil running and getting no where. treading water while writing flashcards calls for smeared boy's handwriting caught in the dim light that makes you squint your eyes on this thursday morning that i hate hate hate. it was thesis seeking, and you only saw a "hazy, distant dream." all this work, this planning, for nothing? this time, this voice, for a zero written on my hand. you lose, baby, you lose. i put myself out over the big canyon river only to see it all disappear as my curly hair falls flat to my scalp full of nothing but negativity and words. so i will write forever until i figure out what i'm missing. one day it will come, and i need no ponds. just an end to this goal-less life of expectations, expectations, expectations and squeaky notes above the pissagio as you flip your hair and bear your thick head on top of your ignorant shoulders. give me a stage and i will explain if anyone cares to listen to my empty voice that mutters when i'd rather not speak. its tones are empty and i'd rather not ask you unless if i dont mind the stamp of pity on my forehead. for once again, this futon hurts my ass and my work is not enough. i am partial to nothing but an escape from pressure. dont tell me to stop. for i will keep going until these keys are worn out and my skull is in the dumpster. but i will. because you have places to be and i have excuses to make. until then.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

sister, brother.

this picture tells it all
your smiling face,
your crossed arms
my poised leg

his hands out,
stumbling over
rocks and rivers

for what happened
and what is surely to come

whatever happens,
don't leave me
or i will surely be the source of these
and the dust in these

Saturday, November 13, 2010

sweet secret.

i have plum juice on the tip of my nose,
and no one can see
it smells like candy,
and no one can see
because no one is me,
and no one can see

Monday, November 8, 2010

bedtime story.

and in 40 years i'll learn to take,
and in 40 years i'll surely break
from all the things unseen, unsaid
pills taken with my daily bread
love like water,
see-through and thin
thoughts of tomorrow
chintzy, like
pictures lost in the cream-colored walls
the color long lost and surely now
and i will continue to put up these clippings
until you find me
lost, and still

Friday, November 5, 2010

at the thought.

rolling around in my head
like a ball
i'll sort out every angle,
look at every scuff mark,
and bounce to see if i can
catch you
most likely
so much

Thursday, November 4, 2010

something good.

this feeling again
head way above me
who knows where i'll end up
so i'll leave it to fate
or prayers, or
look up, up,

Monday, November 1, 2010

did you see me smile?

and we're all so happy with our plastic painted smiles
cringing at the thought of skin and temperamental trials
waiting for the lights to fade,
blemishes reveal
losing our id and life
skip this powdered meal

strutting with legs of solid silver
today it is i who win
cut the crap
cut the lights
take me to simple sin

Sunday, October 31, 2010


i wonder about the care that you place like legos

do you care about me? more than others

maybe i care too much, i filled my portion

something tells me i care too little, less than politics

take care, till another life

Thursday, October 28, 2010

one day i will send you.

nothing went wrong, tonight
nothing went right, tonight
i probably misled you
but my messages are the hurtful ones

sorry, i forgot

why don't i take that blame?
since you are not old enough to recognize you're immaturity

i hate to say i hate you
i hate to say i wish never need anybody
but you turn me off to the idea of trust

instead of cuddles and scarves,
i will fill this cup with tears,
so the salt will dry your mouth
stuck in your wolfish teeth
your ugly, ugly teeth
pointed like a fork,
digging into ugly cake

stay by my side
keep confusion outside of this room
as we laugh at things uncomfortable
and talk about people we wish we knew
so we knew they were better
and ties would not become so knotted


give me a task,
too dumb for children
a goal too small for someone my age
because that is how far my arms can reach

Someday my pain, someday my pain

Will mark you

Harness your blame, harness your blame

And walk through

slipping out through the back door.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

time slot.

ask me if i am.

i'm not.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

pin deeper than the puddle.

upon reaching this level of acceptance with the unknown, i laugh with the rush of the wind in the dying leaves

my story is a simple one, for i care not to tell

numbers mean nothing in the morning, swirling around 7, written on her all-knowing finger

that bike lying in the grass, quintessential symbol of our affluence

i ask myself why i cannot be like the others, as i wait for a pin to fall and shatter my calm reflection

and all these strings wander and twist, knot, loosen, fray, and fall into a heap as i laugh at the mess and attach it to my stringy hair

pearls in my ears, smile on my face, nothing in my eyes, and hands around love, i sit


for the pin to drop, the leaves to die, the curls to twist, the strings to unravel

i could never make bracelets, maybe that is why i hate camp

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

been carted away 2.

a feeling of soul that only comes from walking alone and being
shoulders turned for a feeling of
control, better than you
in the end,
we are lone feet wandering the circular paths
finding the places where our
footsteps have been
hearts inclined only when our rooms feel empty
or roles unfulfilled as curtain call ends
and we are stuck between backstage and the
waiting for a cue, most likely not coming
or maybe we missed it when our feet
cuts on my hands, disabling touch
sensitive ties,
caught in a bunch
leaving it all
not letting go
for when life moves,
it's never this

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

been carted away.

a feeling of soul that only comes from walking alone and being
shoulders turned for a feeling of
control, better than you
in the end,
we are lone feet wandering the circular paths
finding the places where our
footsteps have been
hearts inclined only when our rooms feel empty
or roles unfulfilled as curtain call ends
and we are stuck between backstage and the
waiting for a cue, most likely not coming
or maybe we missed it when our feet
cuts on my hands, disabling touch
sensitive ties,
caught in a bunch
leaving it all
not letting go
for when life moves,
it's never this

Saturday, October 16, 2010

no solution.

maybe if i curled a little more around the tension in my stomach,
the memories would go away
the tug o war between propriety and self would go away
the battle between myself would go away

maybe if i sob a little bit harder,
the poison would melt away
the headaches fade away
and my heart would be okay.

conclusion here: one significant line wrapping up loose ends and solving the problems that had arisen in the writing. [i have nothing to fill this empty shell]

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

my favorite secret.

it starts within. a glance in glass reflection causes the corners of your lips to rise, and your smiling teeth reveal a glimmer of hope. the ruffles sit right on your tired ankles, and your voice is ready to stop. don't you know? nothing can happen before the freckles on your face sit well on your eyes, and the curves of your body are only things to fill out your clothes. it starts within, a small flicker of something so contagious, and so ready to come out. don't leave me, my favorite secret... walk with me, guide me along to that place where i know i am fine,

i am fine.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

genre incorrect.

finding myself unable to decide if i am jealous,
i dwell in words like "hermit" "recluse" and "settling"
they seem comforting... like chai.
as long as it doesn't ferment in a cup.
don't be mean.
well, i don't have high expectations... what am i left with?
headbands, greasy hair, pretending that coffee helps me.
it's totally mental... and very white.
its so easy. its so hard.
obviously your life is full of drama of that kind.
crossed legs, photoshop.
library visits and stark, awkward contradictions from a beautiful face.
the kindest words.
the simplest touch.
people, people.
enough is enough.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

irresponsible freedom.

making choices between colors and shapes
now between touching and tastes
i know no regret
i feel no evil
except for love leaving the eyeless
sigh will i
for not knowing direction at 17?
please let me forgive
pray for the weak and brokenhearted
vision beyond the open-ended square
"you deserve someone who thinks you are the best thing to happen to this world"


Monday, October 4, 2010

toast sans butter.

ideally, my body would be that of
sans butter,
my soul of
not illusions to a cutter,
my mind
a bath tub clean and pristine,
my countenance
dainty with a hint of
marmelade on the side,
but only, darling, if you decide
for i am putty resting in your dry hands
as i melt like childhood's crayons
teach me, toast,
to be a bit lighter
teach me fluff,
to lose spite towards her
teach me bath tub,
to cry without water
so as to clean the places
that are too dark for public

marmelade on the side,
pecan ice cream in mind
my countenance sweet
like childhood's treats
and old age's defeats

Saturday, October 2, 2010

yours truly, making things harder for myself since 1992.

give me the timeline of my life
so i can find tonight and be

panther pictures.

time becoming slow
the future never arriving
i reflect on the flashes
see the muscles moving?
you make hype like thunder
making me a thoughtless blunder
not for you
dreams surround the idea of "you"
am i involved in this?
slip the sweater from your wrist
show me that italian love
tonight we will dine in the thought of ourselves
perfume at the nape of my neck
smile on my lips
reveling in the thought of you

and me

Monday, September 27, 2010


controlled by electrodes
can't fix me
all my life has been Mind over matter
now, we are matter over Mind
Mind cannot stop three letters
nor ave maria echoing in the cavern of my skull
basket of a fistful of problems
mistakes waiting to happen,
problems surfacing to arrival
bumps on a temple
hair covering something so ugly
so despairing
and so wonderful
i hate you
i love you

mind over matter


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

not my plans. obviously.

deep down, i knew this would happen.

not liking my psych class.

wanting to sing, all the time.

not knowing if i'm good enough.

knowing i don't like psychology.

never believing in myself enough.

hating music theory.

but loving to sing, performance.

God, no.

i will never know if i am good enough.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ridiculous hilarious flirty underwater tea party.

so darling
you came back
now that my chest is larger
and my countenance more appealing
later you see
sure, darling, sure
supposedly we never hated
... more annoyed
so we all gather together
at a ridiculous underwater tea party
it felt as if my skirts were floating above me in
high water

da da da da ba da da da la la

so eyes look up past eyelashes as my teeth smile in spite of themselves
irony at its best
with a touch of lust and flirtation

why don't we all go out sometime?
scones? crepes?
i will most likely choke from laughter
separating my life was futile, i suppose

dugout, anyone? you bring the scones, i'll bring the skirt.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

half n half.

we commend each other, chock-full of experience
half n half.
kind of like my shitty cup of coffee
true downfalls, painful things that will
for the rest of my life
but something that rings
i can see it in the rafters of this empty place
full of home
bubble burst
lungs filled with skittles
the dingy surroundings confuse my sense of right
but not my sense of wrong

Thursday, September 16, 2010

future on line one.

as we sit around at wall facing tables
perfection teases me at its highest of heights
where dream meets neighbor
never knocks at my door
all things arranged
sticky notes on that table
i am left wondering how to spell
future is bright, fluorescent and yellow
damn your streets cars and internet cables
nothing but socks left on the floor
as sweet, coy ambition walks out my door

tell me you love it
tell me; or i'll

your turquoise transportation to a cotton-filled sky
chemicals confuse me
ratios wrong me

a ring
an alarm
not a call from

a toy

so chevalier

satchel filled with handfuls of mistakes
for that is all my fists can take

Sunday, September 12, 2010

come on, fat love.

come on handled love
crooked nose and toad smile
funny voice and short mile
things i see, part of life
unchanged in self
seen in a new way
we will not be forgotten
only shoved to the past by my newfound ambition
opportunity, my dear friend
give me everything
or put it in front of me
and i will snatch it as if i am coordinated

try me

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

we, the cool kids.

am i blind to the people who don't have a face?

dominican in the zip up against a brick wall
pirate with glasses
queen of hong kong
boy with cheyennes

me with the sightless eyes

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

up and up.

my head hurts
so i wont read anymore
but go to bed

Sunday, September 5, 2010


tonight we are here
surrounded by bar code geniuses and asian rastafarians
straight from my life
for i am glad i got off the couch
and took experience off the wall
saw a little
now i smell a little
but sweat and smoke are rich with color
natural life taking place
for i know better than to get as many numbers as i can and forget about the true meaning of friendship
so keep me open
keep me crazy
keep me loving
and worshipping in my own way.

Friday, September 3, 2010

with all my love.

we are forever ago never occurring but in a distant dream full of old colors and twisted mental schemes

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

life should happen starting now.

yeeeeeeeeah i can't sleep. i tried. my mind is going crazy reflecting and thinking about my last time for everything before my definition of everything changes. so change already... because i'm sick of waiting.

Monday, August 30, 2010

one, two, three, four, five, and six.

one more detour and you are done. two more nights and you are out. three more pairs of jeans that don't look quite right.

i move, you move. never will i admit it. dashingly i will avoid all fabrications of your mind, and breathing hard for the last time we shall fall fall fall back.

four people once judged me. five people once hurt me. and six?

six means nothing. just a number on a die that has no control and represents yet another one of my unreasonable fears for having no trust for my split ankles and twisted balance.

tell me what to believe and for once i will take your word as truth. for i am gullible, but not quick to trust.

Sunday, August 29, 2010


we hit a bunny on the way back from the park
you asked why i couldn't stay out
i told you i was too young
you left
we remembered sharing smoke

Friday, August 27, 2010

sore joints.

reactions unstirred, yet attentive to the things that i can
touch around me
sensory like a child
how to let yourself love so foolishly
squandering my well-being away with a kiss to a beautiful stranger who haunts my porch
and who's rumble-down engine fills my thoughts every time i see the jet black shine in the late afternoon
pools of oil on my white driveway
luster like a black; streaks of pink and
for we were not that simple
so the stains remain
and i scrub myself clean
living loud
so i can forget the sound
of your ego revolving around plastic rotation of a flimsy desire

let me be
so i can learn to find that beat within again
sans you
independently lifting cupboards far too heavy and keys too foreign
for my fickle fingers
and wrists askew

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

mr. clean.

my dirty feet marked the start of something new
cleansing with transparent lavender, i found the things to
make life clean again
i am done checking and waiting
routing number changed
there is a whole world out there
and it smells like lavender.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

cemetary junction.

today i agreed to a fate of lying around
so i woke up late
talked about the grey-ness of a future not everybody understands
my need to rebel escape and question
how it is almost easier to be different if no one is telling you to
things will be okay for me
i have heard the predictions
the evidence is in front of me
an old arab proverb says
"pretend your deepest desire is right in front of you, and just grab it"
honestly i don't really understand
but it seems right
and i love change and the imminent future
so today i will talk
but tomorrow i will take hold of something tightly and
just run with it

Saturday, August 21, 2010


for now i put aside form fitting clothing and eyelashes and the color black
lay on the floor
and absorb what i do not know

Friday, August 20, 2010

i'm strange, and you're strange.

i went flying when i was least expecting it. pausing for connection, remembering for redemption. singing loud, dancing like a fool. i opened up for the first time in a while. set free by nobody watching, and if they were, it was a joke. who needs you? just because of what you would do. that's not a reason to stay. so i'll laugh loud and forget the things you say.

the best day in a long time. thanks.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

probably not.

refusal, finding myself in the midst of everybody's assumptions. self-denial, in order to remind myself of the life ahead. hope, that everything will meet my sky high expectations. realization, that sometimes i'm not okay. curious, because you probably don't miss me.



maybe these are not so bad after all.

Monday, August 16, 2010

twisted vine.

a punch straight to the sink hole that has become my heart
void unfilled
losing track of something endlessly far
only 20 days ago


Sunday, August 15, 2010

alone i ran, drove, and swam.

waves and their power. to make you laugh, to knock you over. to talk to someone about your past... something you should have done long ago.

watching him like a hawk. realizing you too, were watching. but not him--me. "mother hen?"
are we all just birds then?

running to that endless tribute to recycling. the dead sea gull in the water. marble statues... that look like me. missing you; not enough to make me cry. but enough to drive past your house on my way home.

enough to do something a little bit stupid.

but i am young
and mistakes make you grow
for i will not learn
until i know why.

"we never stop mourning. the times in between grow longer, and the times we do grow shorter."

Friday, August 13, 2010

punch out.


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

nap time revelation.

throwing pastel colored booklights to the ceiling of this warehouse, my body reacts with sightless eyes and bloody mirrors. the time i put into your grey floor with the hole where my ankle always catches, and i am left sprawling like the ridiculous 17 year old they see. i am exactly what you see; that is all you care about. my yellow lids and heart twisting worry meant nothing to you on the thursday and friday that i left. if only i could count the times you walked into me, caught by the book in your hands. when really i was alone in the cavern of my overworked mentality, and raging self conscious. what have i learned? how to spell fuchsia. and that in comparison, i am a cut above the rest of a senseless mass of humanity. these words taste bitter and harsh on my mouth... but honesty is a thick vein on my right arm. i wish you luck, to those people who understood my misplacement in their world, how if i had not been raised a certain way, i would certainly be lost in a cardboard box the size of my closet. to those who had more, who knew the world... who to some extent knew me. i do not know your last names, but your work ethic and a fragment of the skeleton of your past. a person on your mind, but never your hands. but thank you. we will not hug, or cry. but i will keep the words of your honest work on my mind, and somewhere in my heart i believe.

i cry when my friends do. they will never know.

Monday, August 9, 2010

mosquito bite.

i will talk you out of my system
denying both ends of opinion
to find a place where we can rest forever
in my memory

Saturday, August 7, 2010

car seat reflections.

its night like these that make me want to cut my hair.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

i saw you in the left lane.

told myself i wouldn't see you
but i don't control the left lane
or the muffler's purr
your music
or your profile set against the night
and i can't help wanting to see you
when all i know is no

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

city, please.

we are rebels of the darkness
lighting up this town with orange lights, street lights
controlling which way our wheels turn
where the pavement moves
dust beneath our overworked feet
but i love the motion of
going somewhere
not looking back
straight ahead, plowing
through everything
because you are not ahead
and no red light to tell me to stop
so go go go

Saturday, July 31, 2010

smiling forever [these dusty dolls].

i have fallen past descriptions of places and things, and found a new feeling.
a nervous sort of humiliation,
but above a sense of relaxation
found only through my future's might.
for i am not a doll,
i grow and hate and spit.
i jump back and forth from cupboard to shelf,
put on my shoes all by myself.
making mistakes like it's my
i yell and dance, whisper and sob.
frowning more than smiling,
laughing more than trying.
my cheeks aren't painted ruby red,
they are pale and porous instead.
for one is worse than the other,
a better good
by anyone who isn't me.

so take your pictures of the empty head,
then when it's old,
find it under your bed.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

corner of your heart.

my red headed boy
we were passion
fun and funny
dancers and losers
but time was against us
same with my soul
like with a little more
baby that's not enough

"i just need to kiss you one more time"

and my red headed boy

he was gone

Saturday, July 24, 2010

surrounded by breakable bones, and edible skin.

a feeling that burns, a taught twist, you can feel it rising up in your lower chest and surfacing in your throat--only to dive back down again with a thought of fear at it's coming.

the worst part?

the only relief is the hope that eventually it will leave.

Friday, July 23, 2010

sunrise, sunset.

what are we but ribbons woven together for a time
knotted and frayed
torn and battered
changing colors
orange to green to red
never blue
that wouldn't be you

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

hidden gems are often a figment of the imagination.

the stares aren't always worth putting yourself out there,
wearing red,
smiling to myself,
knowing all the world can see.

because in the end, my curls look like those of the next girl, but she can dance and seem pretty.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

worry is my expectation.

and so my brain becomes wrought with questions; sure to be unanswered for a lifetime.

Friday, July 16, 2010

human of the year.

hiding from you was the most ridiculous thought of my day
loving someone forever came second
humanity is nothing but feeling
the rest is loss or peace
a bore
a beautiful goddamn bore and i wish it was me
closing my eyes and picturing me singing my soul raw
until it hurt to hear me

to be me.
and i write for me
not to inspire
to understand
to think about what understand really means
because i've done a hell of a lot of thinking
and it gets you nowhere
no conclusions
and pain never gets old
you simply learn to live with it

lifting my chin
like lifting my eyes to the sky that i love
and the girl you confuse me with
dream girl
not me
and forgettable me
defining myself in struggle
not in peace
when i don't think
the world is healthier that way
with or without a bandage

a damn bandage over my stupid flawed eyes
on my stupid scarred face
on my stupid lost brain

i am anger tied together with a string
a string pulling me around
as i watch the trees go past
and the occasional wanderer who meets my doubting hurting eyes
and i wonder if they know.
the part that still thinks i can be something says yes

... cynical harsh forgettable me says close those goddamn eyes

laughing with.


patches, hats, and pirates (how they rob us).

dust to a damaged eye
wishing away
trying not to cry
putting myself in a little girl's shoes
life can change in seconds
and love is never free
half the time its not enough
the the rest of life's a foolish dream
i did it all
put it away
but in the end
its not enough
and so it goes
sky blue on a hat
symbol of hopeless aspiration

if i had a cat
it would have died yesterday

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


today was my day disruption rolled off my shoulders like a warm breeze a boy named ollie the word

skinny thrown my way coffee for cheap contagious ambition then calls a spot of black on my white

sunny day not again i knew this was coming its never about what you think until its in your

nostrils making you sneeze making your brain swim something gross like worn feet happened and

then there were two tears then there was me in my room pretending not to hear that the world

was knocking outside my door so take my hand take my whole heart too because i can't help

faling in love with you was in my head because somehow that makes life seem all too good when

we lose our favorites and sell the past for a price a cheap price and i am left in a bin headed to

our yesteryear of doubt

Monday, July 12, 2010

not a gerbil on a wheel.

like a cartwheel inside my head
circling circling
never stops

Sunday, July 11, 2010

a briefcase of spiders.

left alone on the dance floor
my stomach tied up with a string, constantly pulling to where you are
knowing the imminent goodbye
learning you've been thinking too
telling me i can
holding me as i cry a silent tear or two that you may not have seen
that damn red hair
sitting on a beach
feeling that same pull
somewhere between yes and no
swimming out
finding it harder to swim back
because this is my future
and i don't know
there is no a, b, c
sure as hell no 1, 2, 3
just you
and maybe me
or never.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

your trip to far away (a place i've been before).

i am ever so aware of every knot untied
every goodnight left unsaid


it is coming.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

it's location is full of irony.

when i was younger, it was a place i dreamed of due to it's seclusion, and the intrigue that it triggered in my imaginative mind. enticing me, inviting me.
now, when i think of that lonesome path where the trees hide the ground (so the ground remains moist all day), i only think of being vulnerably alone, middle aged men, and tripping over creeping roots. my knees sinking into muck, no longer wishing to be by myself.

my secret garden, whose gate is closed.

i never read that book.

Friday, July 2, 2010

go go go.





and all this is is talking

when all i want is to go go go

Thursday, July 1, 2010

stop stop stop it.

is it wrong to ask
why does that surprise me?
makes my mind go hopeful
my heart beat faster
my lips a little smiled
ready to ditch
you damn hypocrite
you can do better
story of my life
will that change?
a little smile
a little flip
a little thought

and i go crazy

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


dear self,

please please please please do not repel people by being sarcastic due to team building exercises created for tweens.

thank you.

sincerely, self.

Sunday, June 27, 2010


growing up.
part of me cannot accept that every second must be a prayer
every action a judgement
and having a lover of my soul
more of a God
watching over me
i cannot be perfect
but the last 4 years i have tried after innocence became cracked like a windshield
always growing
maybe i have given up
just accept me
i am done running
sit ups
crying about things that cannot be changed
i am here
and i am far from holy
but i will try to live the way you want
how can i live in a world and not be a part of it?
what do you want from me?
to live above everybody
i feel dirty when i become too involved
who knows why
just help me feel right

Friday, June 25, 2010

the seven hour day.

happening is the world
sitting is me
calves never rested
feeling bested
by a fly loping low to the ground
glazing over dusty wafts of stale air
and i am the dust
once again
like an old diary,
or a mirror never used
a poster of a movie no one will remember
the sequel to a flop
voice over
feelings strangled
things to say
to make it through the day
feeling slightly more normal
in shorts taken over
by a body grown big
and wisdom to fill it

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


have you ever spent father's day with someone who's father was taken away?

it makes me



and unsure.

what i would do to let him be a son again, to have a father again. i cannot really tell you.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

big smilez!

your teeth don't mean much, it's those eyes
you're not squinting that's no surprise
but please
smile for me

Monday, June 21, 2010

white eyes.

for all we know, we are bad people lost in a sea of good, and everything is backwards, and the whole world might blow up in any second, and all i wanted yesterday was to fly fly fly away or just blink my eyes to reveal a clear new world. to be better. to wish my headache away. to lose myself in him, and not constantly question and wonder what life has in store for me. to let the unpredictable come predictable, and perhaps tell some stories with not funny, but happy endings to my children. if they are out there.
life was a blur, and i sit here, knowing that in a dusty old warehouse they think that i have jumped ship.

to sunburn.
to passion.
to pink eye.
to home.



Friday, June 18, 2010

what's good?

if you want, you could borrow reality for a day
and squander life away.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

a little bit of happy.

so i read through a few pages of my blog posts last night.
there is some depressing stuff.
so i looked for happy music, because these songs just make me smile.
so, for you :)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

180 degrees.

i've always found it silly
that we lean our heads
on people's shoulders.
our necks stretched
so our heads (so full of care)
perpendicularly on an angled bone
a 90 degree edge
only to show that we
despite the discomfort
contrary to a 90 degree angle
which is unforgiving
but you
count as 90 at least
so i guess we make 180
which is a smile,
i think if
love was math

Friday, June 11, 2010

pretty girls go pretty places where people can see them sitting pretty.

why did that make me mad so fast? because i dont want to use that wallet, or maybe because acting pretty isnt priority number one, or that i act ugly when i am out of things to do or say. because i can sense pretty, and it pierces me with ribs sticking out into my personal space bubble and sense of pride in being genuine and believable. experience is valuable, girls. so put down your damn hair straighteners and look at the world. it all came down to what i do is nothing. i never wanted to be friends, but you were too busy looking in a mirror to see me at least trying.

the world is starting, and you havent even begun to grow up or walk around the corner of your street.

so meticulously, they comb every strand, ensuring its fate against their tense shoulders.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

i dunno. i am tired.

not of belonging
but of knowing there are those that i love
and pretty words don't mean much coming from my lips.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

maple leaf.

yeah, that's my excuse. because no one gets it, not even me.
and it's too damn dark
my pants are too tight
my morals too strong
and your voice is too loud in my head
so get out
get out
get out
and find me a place behind a counter with people who can laugh at the world without finding a reason to redeem themselves.
get over it.
and grow up.

Friday, June 4, 2010

"i heard your laugh, i heard your voice."

since it seems to be the trend, i will write something too.
but before i begin, i would just like to say i threw my hat and it definitely did a dive-bomb and nailed someone in the head. unfortunately, i do not remember who.

i suppose it began when my room felt too small, and my hat looked funny on my head. it was a night with too much closure thrown at me at one time, with too many goodbyes, but not a single tear to "mark" them. the ceremony meant nothing, really... except when i threw my hat and it landed exactly where i expected it to. not in a bitter way, just in a i would not have it any other way... way. i ended up driving that night, no car crash, thank god. too many close calls in my life lately for that kind of curve ball. now that pretty little dress smells like cigars and excitement, but i threw it on the floor.

and i realize that this has become a narrative of some sorts. which means i have no idea what i am talking about.

because beyond the size of this world and the farad, goodbye has been something that i cannot understand.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

it has not filled me.

lying on the floor with hair spread around me
curled like a baby
crying like a girl
makeup smeared like a woman

everything i say will be belittled and made okay
is there anything to be done?
so i lie there
changing only to relieve my curved back
or rub off a tear that has found its way into my ear

i remember the feeling of goo on my feet
and love on my chest
then a night without a love to say sleep tight my darling

because i knew when driving that life would not be normal
it would not be family
or security
it would be balance

telling it like it is
driving home without music
taking the long way for the long way's sake
and realizing i have been milked dry


Monday, May 31, 2010

pancakes and thunder.

thanks is a very overused
yet underused

it is never enough
but it can never be used too much
thanks god
keeping me alive
giving me my family
my loving friends
the ones that try
food to eat
gifts to use
and a soul to love


Sunday, May 30, 2010


to be beautiful, to be perfect, to be success and it's outcome. things that every aspiring teenager struggles with, but eventually comes to term with
that pretty is enough
a few mistakes are okay
and success is fairly relative.

because i hold him close and he loves to see me
and i make mistakes but i learn my lesson
and i am accomplished in my own right.

i don't run the mile, but i finish eventually.
plus, if i don't run, i have just enough breath to sing a song that will inevitably come to my mind.

success is fairly relative.

Friday, May 28, 2010


i am still here.


i could be gone.

blown out.





that word means nothing, really.

because it doesn't make my average existence any more or less.

just here.

comprehension, reflection, apprehension.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


i feel that today will be one of expectations too high and burns too deep to really know what i am underneath. of hopes, and thoughts, when all they really mean is that everything will happen and i will be pushed wherever he wants me. because really, i am just blowing whichever way the wind takes me, as i pretend to walk with purpose and find little things to make an overall effect. i am nothing more than an accent misplaced, with a memory filled already with dust. because i am sick, and hunger for nothing but security in someone or something that i love, when in actuality i am left sitting in a sweaty chair watching my past go by with the newspaper. silent observer? hardly. but i think that i deserve less than that chair sometimes. or maybe that is me comprehending experience. so speak. because deep down i'm scared as hell, and i'm only seventeen.

and all this is is words

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


i laughed because i love my life and everything happens at the wrong moments which always turns out just right.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

pictures of me.

note to self:
try to be more attractive. haha.
posture is a good place to start.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

no, this is probably not about who you think it is.

and so he will judge, and not forget
till someone smiles and lets him go
i've seen the pictures
and self assured smiles
until he sees that all the while
his head was lost in an ignorant fog
of lofty ideas and gilded crowns
for i was in another time
and now we're crossing
maybe for life.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

maybe this is why.

i became overwhelmed by all these things to pray for, and realized i'm very poor with words.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

one color.

i like that, elle.

out like a candle, flickering.

today i got pizza, and became that shy girl who lowers her eyes so her eyelids cover her pupils like blankets when she speaks, and the girl who presses her lips together when she senses potential eye contact.

i felt like a flower, almost as if i blended in with my jacket.

just another flower in a garden full of weeds and berries,

although lately i do not mind.

Monday, May 10, 2010

the meaning of life? (for today.)

embracing real life is:

realizing that some people will never want to talk to you
there's no such thing as a legacy
in some ways, you are stuck with what you were given
knowing that not everything is exciting, then
trying to find little things to make you see more
forgiving and forgetting, no matter what
learning not everything will click for you
some things are impossible
some things are not
trusting that someone has a will and a way for your life

and in all, hope for tomorrow because sometimes today isn't what we expect, or what it should be.

Sunday, May 9, 2010


stuff like smoke escaping from his lips, tears in my jeans, the smell of outside on my black jacket, and realizing i am growing out of my shirts.

Friday, May 7, 2010


typically i wouldn't consider myself that way, but it seems as soon as someone catches on to something more, i can't handle it and i shut down, malfunction. a barrier. i would rather have you think what you do now then ever guess at what is behind a dull looking door.


theme of my days, as of late.

because for so many things, life is a swirl of colors lifted up like dancing napkins.

Monday, May 3, 2010

body pillows.

half and half. how was it all? was it worth it? not for winning, not for acting, not for points. for friends, and singing my heart out until i thought my chest might explode. losing my voice, and lifting those up who didn't have the heart to make a sound. a trifecta? no such thing. but i will carry you on my other shoulder if points don't add up, or love from others just isn't enough.

and until then, i will sing, sing, sing, and lose my voice until my little sounds make a difference.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

may today, two thousand and never.

a kind of unexplicable exhaustion has taken over my mind and drags my eyelids shut like a rusty old anchor. i'm tired of so many things: adults, sex appeal, my future... unconnected musings that all end up in the same place. a thought of a simple necessity like eating, or sleep makes me sigh with yearning, and delight when i can finally reach it.
and yes.
i complain. because in my heart of hearts, it's the only way i can satisfy the discomfort of my life. there is a tear in my body due to a need for redemption and a fear of finally leaving. stepping into my new surroundings, and leaving old things behind. once work, and now play.

so goodbye, old cubes, ugly shoes, and the same old moves.

my social security number is signed away, and i am only a speck of dust drifting away in the evening wind.

Monday, April 26, 2010

sometimes i run out of things to say, as well.

i like dances.

sometimes i say i don't to make people happy.

and that, my friends,

is high school.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

take a second... think about it.

thought of the day:

if all of us just took a second to try to understand why people do the things they do everywhere around us, the world would be a lot better of a place.

less tears.





Saturday, April 17, 2010

velcro, lightup, plastic with holes.

this drought of unshared thoughts and bird's-eye view moments must come to an end.
when i read your struggles and thoughts,
i can see your room with it's tear-stained carpet,
your memory flickering like a candle,
your anger burning past your boiling point,
and your suffering put into words that don't really fit.
why do we wander?
why words?
for now i suppose, i will assure you with mine,
though no one will ask how i wander myself.

we fade with times that no longer fit us,
life now is like a favorite old shoe.
we've walked in it for miles, sweat in it, breathed in it.

but now, it is too small, my friends.
too small to wear.
so we'll tie the laces one last time,
then put it in a box under our beds.

they will still be there tommorrow,
and the next day,
and the next.
the shapes of our feet still lie in the padding.
but there are more miles to walk, now.

leave the shoes.
walk barefoot.
it's summer,

Friday, April 16, 2010

one of those days.

i managed to forget everything i needed today.
and i wasn't even that mad.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


ch ch ch ch ch changes
turn and face the strange
ch ch changes

best blog post.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

bitter wednesday.

things i hate:

1. skinny people

2. people that go on vacation

and worst of all:

3. skinny people that go on vacation.

Friday, April 2, 2010

spring break check list.

-dance like no one is watching
-sing as horribly as possible
-make that mad ca$h money
-tan when i CAN (rhyyymeeeee)
-run/walk everyday that i can
-learn the single ladies dance
-enjoy living life as a kid for as long as i can, and as much as i can


Thursday, April 1, 2010

maundy thursday.

once in a while i feel like i should see him in everything.
then i remember that the right side of my brain loves sounds that clash and are so right at the same time,
and that silence is the conqueror of all things unholy.
for i feel with my ears,
and in this way,
his soul.

embrace the darkness
for in it
is light

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

maybe our ribbons are meant to cross.

you were in my dream.
when all i had was a jacket,
and you were across the room.
in a way, you chose me.
and i reciprocated, because that's
what i do.
you confuse me.
suprise me.
and i like it,
i guess.
what is this?
a poem?
an unopened letter?
an unanswered prayer?
whatever it is,
it probably is not to who you think it is for
so deal with that
while i pray for more.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


yes, i learned. perhaps i grew.
for now, i will leave it at that.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

what color is dust?

for a moment or two,
i wish my life was full of feelings
"straight from seventeen magazine"
just like
just love
just hate
nothing in between, where they
forever asking where my heart lies
but that would not be my life.
in the same way, i ask for
no other heart
no other mind
no other body
except on mondays
because then i am faced with the real world again
or perhaps
it is the fake world

Monday, March 22, 2010

the story of 89 and 90.

numbers 89 and 90 sat on a couch.
then 89 got pissed and laid on her porch in the sun.
90 worried.
89 knew it.
89 liked it.
90 groveled.
89 forgave.
now 89 and 90 are happy again.

the end.

Friday, March 19, 2010

you know it's a bad sign if...

you know it's a bad sign if you are social and people think something is wrong with you.
you know it's a bad sign if your used-to-be favorite class now makes you moan.
you know it's a bad sign that if the only thing you really care about doesn't even make you that excited.
you know it's a bad sign when you're too exhausted to be with people that can always make you laugh.
you know it's a bad sign if you're trying to think of somewhere to belong and are torn between where you should be, and where you "should be."
you know it's a bad sign if songs you used to hate now have a whole new meaning.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

echoes connected.

that evening was unlike any other in a very long time. pushed to a brink, and willed back to the same edge that we had almost fallen from. my hands touching a mirror, than for the first time in oh so long, hands lifted in swaying, wordless nothing. for i did not know what to do, or what to say. all i knew was i could see my face as if in a movie, and that it was a face of total shock. arms around me, pushing me from side to side, catching me before i fell. like rain on a trampoline, tears on a lonely night, and waves beating me down from my perfect balance. what was left of me? what more could i give? nothing.

So I lay my head back down.

And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Sunday, March 14, 2010


i turned and walked out the glass door, through blowing wind and a dusty downtown parking lot, trodded by thousands of poor feet, old feet, and shameful feet walking to the place of redemption. he called my name, i said hello, and we managed to see each other quite a few times. of course. i thought of the people who i put all my trust, and how some had let me down. opening the car door, placing my key in the ignition, happy music came on. and sadly, there is no better word than happy. my quick hands turned the dial, and i was lost in the song. singing with all my heart, eyes closed, but open. because i was driving. my hands gripped the steering wheel, and i was off. changing channels as soon as one song ended, all with different emotions, auras, and words. but i felt them all. i felt them all so much, i did not know what to do with myself. so i took the long way home, saw people running, walking. speeding cars getting pulled over, and robins picking at dead winter turf. eventually, my car found it's way home. dad asked me why i sped into the driveway, but i had no answer.

i was lost in the song.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


thanks for trying--but my eyes aren't blue.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

come closer, now step away.

if life were a circle, i would be in the middle, running around in spirals, breaking often. reflecting.
i ripped that paper bracelet off her wrist because i hate so much what has happened.
how i cannot deal.
the fact that i am lost in my own sadness and fail to see the struggles of others.
cause the fact of the matter is that i am not smart enough
"hot" enough
fun enough.
even when my past told me yes to all three.
so in this moment,
i look back on my stupid, lopsided foot prints that are only me
caring about me
hiding my draggy toes and unkept soles
telling myself lies
or being hit with the truth
and somehow
never being treated like i should
both good
and bad
we're messed up.

4n6 hottie list?!

what they h.
why do people do these things.
hidden gems...
at least someone said that.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

yup. this is a multiple post.

i ain't got no home
i'm just a ramblin round
just a wanderin worker
i go from town to town
the rich man took my home
and drove me from my door
and i ain't got no home
in this world anymore

the words of people that lived so long from now fill my every thought and movement for fifteen minutes--but really fourteen and 13 seconds.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

spring is coming.

with words he raised me,
but with skips i spoke joy.

Monday, March 1, 2010


lets be honest: there's no way that enough words exist to capture what happened, is happening, and will happen.
so i bury my face in my hands.

Friday, February 26, 2010

on the board.

with marker i will draw a box around myself.
some people know that it is dry erase, and others do not look hard enough to notice.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

tonight will be just any night.

and tonight, i will sit. put on pajamas, eat ice cream, and watch great tv. really, this is all i want. for tonight.

Monday, February 22, 2010

three times doesn't make it better.

an unexplainable festering has taken over me the last two weeks. and i laugh. cry. whatever. but it's never really gone. just out of mind... but then something happens and it all comes down, down, down again. and i am lost in my own head of all places, wondering who to talk to, who could possibly understand if not even i can give a word of advice to myself. me. infj. counselor.
yeah right.
i'm just selfish.
and i take it out on people that i trust.
i'm so
but something is wrong
and tylenol doesn't help

Sunday, February 21, 2010

take that.

die, hope. die.

a day in the life.

hearing her voice, like it was in my basement. i missed her.
sick of headaches, my first migraine.
it can only get better... right?
wanting to throw a lasso around the moon for you and me.
wishing it was easier.
feeling bored.
grappling with issues, and then letting them drop.
phrases that are unconnected
except in my head.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

a mismatch of different flavors, colors, people.

Song of the Day: You Belong To Me - Jason Wade.

i probably played it over ten times in a row. why? do not ask me.

lately i am too caught up in my head... leaving me forgetful of others and tired from running in circles getting nowhere. time to move on. from what? again. do not ask me.

anyone remember this?

i just remembered the time when i was in grand haven with a few friends, and these young adultish males came up to us. they go: "oh hey... do you ladies have any sun tan oil?" Me, being such a clever flirt, says: "NO. We don't want skin cancer!"

Monday, February 15, 2010


today i am listening to Big Girl (You are Beautiful) by Mika.
because today i feel gross, inside and out.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

the call.

everyone fancies themselves "different." unique. not just your day-to-day angsty teenager. i have reasons, okay? but sometimes i am nothing but an annoying girl who wants to feel sorry for herself because her life isn't perfect. although, if i keep perspective, it's pretty close.

how can i describe what i'm feeling? it's a tension. right in the center of my chest that never seems to go away. as if something isn't right... like a pallete of paints. everything is in order, but someone or something took a paintbrush, or maybe their finger, and just swirled all the colors to create some sort of chaos out of the order that once was.

the best part is we all think that we're fine. there's not a whole lot behind the smiles we see and the jokes that we laugh at, and the things we avoid to protect sore spots. but there is. every single person you meet, brush shoulders with, look at... all of them have stories. and people. and sore spots.

i cannot fathom this.

so what am i going to do?

i'm going to study people, and make up for the others who don't care.

to help people reorganize, and find out why.

a question unanswered by science and reason.

which is why i will succeed.

Friday, February 12, 2010

honest. no frills.

this is a no mixed meaning post. i am just going to tell it like it is.

today during sixth hour, another headache graced my stupid brain. it was on the top of my head. it felt like a pencil. i didn't talk to my ex-boyfriend. not because i don't like him, but because i didn't feel like arguing, and pretending that i could be fun. after class, i bent down to get my boots out of my locker and realized that i don't know the inside of 525 very well. part of me wanted to stay in there. not because of the rusty blue metal... but because no one would look for me there.
last night there were all these things i wanted to tell people. like the lights were awesome! or, remember that one time at the dance when everyone was dancing our move? that one's for you kat. but i forgot, because sometimes my mind is like a balloon and it just floats away and i can't get it back.
and then i say stuff. and people probably think i'm stupid. and i don't really care what they think... because they probably don't really like me anyways. and that's fine. and i'm done starting my sentences with and.
one time i was petting this cat while babysitting, and i kept shocking it accidentally.. something to do with the carpet. but it didn't run away... it stayed, because it's purring made up for the dozens of electric shocks. i think this says something about life.
sometimes i do little things that maybe don't mean a lot to someone watching me from far away, but the person that i'm with gets hurt.
hey you. the one that i get along with... but something will always be off. sorry i tune out when i talk to you. i want to say it's not personal... but lets not pretend. remember? i'm being honest right now.
the title of my blog is sing through silence.
1. because i love singing. duh.
2. i love silence. sometimes, it's my favorite sound.
3. like big spaces and high ceilings, i like to fill silence. often with singing.
i like lists
mini things
perfect curls
warm drinks
cuddling in bed... by myself. sorry...?
ingrid michaelson
dang. i would talk about that one thing, except i can't really be honest. never mind.
usually when i resort to that i should stop. or keep going. dang it! i'm being elusive.
time to stop.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

trash stash.

i am a skeptic.
i will neither laugh nor cry, question nor envy, scoff nor gossip, hate nor love.
i will stare.
wondering how.

500 days of guessing.

the other night
i swear, it's true
i just "woke up"
and then i knew
so i think
but i'll second guess myself
until the very end
either that
or pretend

Saturday, February 6, 2010

lists and lines get you nowhere on a circular planet.

in life, there is not enough love.
but sometimes, there is just too damn much.

too little:
losing friends
hating enemies
child prostitutes

too much:
watching slumdog millionaire
those little kids and their mom in tiajuana
knowing that god broke his heart
seeing my dad flip out
voice lessons

life gave me lemons and made me a list and line person.
so i'll draw a map and trace a straight line.
right now, my pros and cons list is equal.
because too little love hurts,
and too much hurts.
too many things going through my head,
so i simplify
and i've come to the same conclusion


Friday, February 5, 2010

the middle.

like two circles
like infinity
holding two hands
across a canyon
knowing very well
which side i want to be on
realizing what is good
realizing what is bad
loving it all
seeing the faults
wanting more
but not too much
up in the morning
down at night
and at noon
i am just right
in the middle
just like Moon
"a happy balance"
yup, me too.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

a different kind of poetry.

words like this:
actually cool

i understand why his freckles lie on the bridge of his strong nose. it's because they belong there. i want someone who loves the way my body curves at inappropriate spots for today's fashion industry. sleep is my companion and my enemy. i fear to be judged by people that are "cool" but really i fear those who are actually cool. coffee is great in the morning, but not when there's too much creamer. or too little for that matter. there are many questions that i have. there are little that i actually ask. he's different than the others. can i really love? it felt right with the blanket over my shoulders, to protect my back from the cold. in my dreams, nothing really makes sense except for the emotions that lie under. everything i'm buying is black lately, and i no longer have an intense desire to be skinny. and this is my life.

they don't understand. sometimes i wish i had freckles. they would not belong on my face... but sometimes i feel like a mole out of place. i don't want a straight road life. i would like bumps and curves and a yellow-line passing zone please. sleep comes at the wrong times if you ask me. sometimes i think that i am a "cool" and then see people who are actually cool and i feel really stupid. in the morning, coffee wakes me up and makes my breath smell like a teacher's. how many friends do i truly have? what's the point in asking these questions? little do they know, we are different. you. me. her. him. other him. do we all know each other? is this love? that i let my friends borrow my blankets? he gave me his. i don't have enough dreams... i love the nothing and everything that they are. black is associated with fright, but i like the mystery in it's no-color color. i would be goth. no. i'm not skinny.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

the result of the complication.

plucking on heart strings
losing the same things
all because you said yes
to what
a green dress?
a lucky guess?
don't mind me
just remind me
that to love
we must lose
and to gain
we must trust
because what is pain
but a failure again?
so we repaint our nails
say that we're pretty
and come Saturday
we'll run this city

Sunday, January 24, 2010


deep thoughts?
wrong answer.
you are now kicked out of blogland.
no thoughts?
song lyrics?
F = MA

Friday, January 22, 2010


i'm sick of myself.
and school.
and apparently this is all i am.
thanks, friend.
you're an ass.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


i asked
you gave
i let
you loved
you look
i see
you listen
i speak
refinding the love

Monday, January 18, 2010

so beautiful.

i've heard
all the things
you say
but when
they come from
your lips
they mean
the world to me

Sunday, January 17, 2010


"I'm mad at my protectors, I suppose. The ones that never do. Because I can never just fall back and know that they will catch me... I'm always the one apologizing, or messing up. Always the strong one, burying things way deep down and embracing the shallow things, which are so much easier to digest. I always listen, and sometimes I just want to scream the words and 'hate' and 'afraid' right into the midst of my past and see what my fathers will do. Because I don't trust. I can admit that, which makes it seem false.

Today I wondered if human existence was always worth the pain. Good things: shared memories, stomach-straining laughs, passion shared of two that love, and feelings of accomplishment and contentment.

Are these worth the immense pain of unworth? Self doubt? Relational pain?

I want to say yes.

But tonight it almost feels like a no.

Not in a suicidal way.

In a heavy, hopeless, once-again-you-are-not-good-enough way. Yeah. That hurts.

I feel like a bat with wings of wet paper.

Flying is hopeless.

Or maybe this is just tonight."

Saturday, January 9, 2010

another little collection of poems [sun].

if i could rotate myself around the sun.
if i could ask the world to move a little strangely to where you are.
if i could gravitate the stars to make a map to where you are.
if we could be two islands in the same sea, i would swim to your shore.
we're both under the same sky,
why not meet there,
way up high?
there was hope behind your eyes...
and some fear
in disguise.
if i could rotate myself around the sun.

my catcher.
somewhere, lost in your translation,
my true meaning transcends.
beyond your labels and own insecurities,
i fly to a brighter tomorrow,
where the sun is my baseball
and hope my own bat.
sick of boxes, crates, and barrels,
i reward myself with true appraisal
of the ones who love behind the smile.
eyes go small when teeth are too white--
so i squint at the sky,
waiting for light.

my catcher [2].
for loving the light,
i became sick of it's reflection.
part of it,
those who see the dark
that colors my eyes
and fills in the dots
on my skin
didn't like it either.
so i folded it all
and put it in a drawer.
i guess i'm saving it
for a rainy day.

*i'm not particularly proud of these... but it was interesting how three days in a row, i wrote about light in my journal. hmmm.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

for all those sexy mamas...

pretty is a stupid word
it makes my friends
feel terrible
and takes it's turn
with me
sometimes the letters
seem cuter than me
but i suppose
that's just being
a teen

Monday, January 4, 2010


i had that anxious feeling again last night. not being able to fall asleep... because my mind was whirring like some mad scientist's machine and I DON'T KNOW WHY. i just wanted to sleep... maybe this is punishment for not trying, or not being smart enough, or available enough, wrong enough.
and it was so good for awhile. not that everything is terrible now... but i need to shape up. know what i care about.
should i try out for multiple? i don't know. it would hurt so much to be thrown aside again. and one act hurt, but this would be so much worse. i don't know if i'm up for that. but maybe it'll be better.
i don't know.
i love hiding behind i bright sunny shirt and the word senior. but i care.

Friday, January 1, 2010


hello, new year. i celebrated by sitting in my parents living room falling alseep on my mother's shoulder. ten minutes after midnight, i was in bed. haaaaaa.
i had a wonderful time though. belle and i just sat. and we were quiet. if there was anything to be said, we would say it. all the things that we wanted to say, but didn't quite know how. luckily we got each other most of the time.
and now i feel ready for 2010, a year of so many new beginnings. which i am PUMPED for by the way.
all in all, this is a boring post. i've been inside my head a little to much to write something that you all would understand.
but happy new year! you all are dear to me in some way. i love being able to see different sides of you when i read all your posts of angst, confusion, or humor. we've seen some great writing, and we've seen some immaturity. and that's okay. because i am only 17. so i am pretty immature. a little emotionally behind. thanks for bearing with me.
aaaaanywho. lets see what the year brings, eh?