Wednesday, March 7, 2012

another hopeless one.

God gave me a lot of things. Unfortunately, one of them was the keen ability to hate myself. Too many times today, I wished to disappear in a mug, or be blown away with the frighteningly strong wind. Or perhaps to become notes on a page, simple and permanent, lending to a greater sound than the pathetic one I have been creating as of late. Dissonance has never sounded so beautiful than now; hallowed images never so patronizing and true. Having been given permission to diverge of the more foundational complications of my existence, I confess that I have no words for the things that tug at me day and night. What's done is done, as they say. I am sorry, but I can only pick myself up so many more times. Life feels like crawling, and every step causes rugburn to slowly tear at my feeble skin and the cracks that were already there break. I will continue to tear at these scars until they heal from the outside-in, because I cannot access my blood and bones if my mind denies their growing. I'm so mature, aren't I? Questioning everything for myself. One day, hopefully your sons and daughters will be just like me--secretly dying, little by little. Where do all these noises in this too-quiet house come from? The dark scared me when I was a child--I now find myself frightened again. Sorry, mother, father, but I cannot bind up my mouth like a slave to my secrets. As I ride through the night empty cries emit from my sour mouth, and once again, I am gone with the wind, which has intruded on my time. Didn't you know? I am having an affair with the night.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

a selfish proclamation of me.

in that little room, i told you i wasnt good at anything
but you leave and i am good at whatever i need to be, or have to be
in dip shit land, the girls who love their faces continue without a second thought to a whole soul gone without them
today i remembered that i am not pretty enough to turn heads
nor kind enough to get over the dam that blocks all real, good thoughts
not recognizable
not even when lying
just a bright smiling face when i need to be
and exhausted when the pretenses fall away, like sheets of sleet off a window
im sorry i cant be enough for anyone right now
i am not fun, hard working, pleasant, or anything
just a case of a person
that melts like plastic at the close of another day
one day, i will make a necklace with beads that shine blue, iridescent of the night
like clothes of a queen
and people will see it and understand

i will be in that bead
and you will see into my soul