passport.

dear self,

please please please please do not repel people by being sarcastic due to team building exercises created for tweens.

thank you.

sincerely, self.

religion.

growing up.

part of me cannot accept that every second must be a prayer

every action a judgement

and having a lover of my soul

more of a God

watching over me

i cannot be perfect

but the last 4 years i have tried after innocence became cracked like a windshield

always growing

maybe i have given up

just accept me

i am done running

sit ups

crying about things that cannot be changed

i am here

and i am far from holy

but i will try to live the way you want

how can i live in a world and not be a part of it?

what do you want from me?

to live above everybody

everything

i feel dirty when i become too involved

who knows why

just help me feel right

okay

loved.

the seven hour day.

happening is the world

sitting is me

calves never rested

feeling bested

by a fly loping low to the ground

glazing over dusty wafts of stale air

and i am the dust

once again

beginning

middle

end

dusty

like an old diary,

or a mirror never used

a poster of a movie no one will remember

the sequel to a flop

monologue

voice over

feelings strangled

things to say

to make it through the day

feeling slightly more normal

in shorts taken over

by a body grown big

and wisdom to fill it

com-anger-loving-passion

have you ever spent father's day with someone who's father was taken away?

it makes me

angry

helpless

and unsure.

what i would do to let him be a son again, to have a father again. i cannot really tell you.

big smilez!

your teeth don't mean much, it's those eyes

you're not squinting that's no surprise

but please

honey

smile for me

white eyes.

for all we know, we are bad people lost in a sea of good, and everything is backwards, and the whole world might blow up in any second, and all i wanted yesterday was to fly fly fly away or just blink my eyes to reveal a clear new world. to be better. to wish my headache away. to lose myself in him, and not constantly question and wonder what life has in store for me. to let the unpredictable come predictable, and perhaps tell some stories with not funny, but happy endings to my children. if they are out there.

life was a blur, and i sit here, knowing that in a dusty old warehouse they think that i have jumped ship.

to sunburn.

to passion.

to pink eye.

to home.

red.

cheers.

what's good?

if you want, you could borrow reality for a day

and squander life away.

a little bit of happy.

so i read through a few pages of my blog posts last night.

there is some depressing stuff.

so i looked for happy music, because these songs just make me smile.

so, for you :)

http://www.hulu.com/watch/155448/glee-over-the-rainbow#s-p1-sr-i1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jz706sJMjg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2B6UstLp6D4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5FCdx7Dn0o

180 degrees.

i've always found it silly

that we lean our heads

on people's shoulders.

our necks stretched

awkwardly,

painfully,

so our heads (so full of care)

rest

perpendicularly on an angled bone

a 90 degree edge

only to show that we

love

unconditionally

despite the discomfort

love

contrary to a 90 degree angle

which is unforgiving

but you

count as 90 at least

so i guess we make 180

which is a smile,

i think if

love was math

180

http://www.hulu.com/watch/155448/glee-over-the-rainbow#s-p1-sr-i1

pretty girls go pretty places where people can see them sitting pretty.

why did that make me mad so fast? because i dont want to use that wallet, or maybe because acting pretty isnt priority number one, or that i act ugly when i am out of things to do or say. because i can sense pretty, and it pierces me with ribs sticking out into my personal space bubble and sense of pride in being genuine and believable. experience is valuable, girls. so put down your damn hair straighteners and look at the world. it all came down to what i do is nothing. i never wanted to be friends, but you were too busy looking in a mirror to see me at least trying.

the world is starting, and you havent even begun to grow up or walk around the corner of your street.

so meticulously, they comb every strand, ensuring its fate against their tense shoulders.

i dunno. i am tired.

not of belonging

but of knowing there are those that i love

and pretty words don't mean much coming from my lips.

maple leaf.

yeah, that's my excuse. because no one gets it, not even me.

and it's too damn dark

my pants are too tight

my morals too strong

and your voice is too loud in my head

so get out

get out

get out

and find me a place behind a counter with people who can laugh at the world without finding a reason to redeem themselves.

get over it.

and grow up.

"i heard your laugh, i heard your voice."

since it seems to be the trend, i will write something too.

but before i begin, i would just like to say i threw my hat and it definitely did a dive-bomb and nailed someone in the head. unfortunately, i do not remember who.

i suppose it began when my room felt too small, and my hat looked funny on my head. it was a night with too much closure thrown at me at one time, with too many goodbyes, but not a single tear to "mark" them. the ceremony meant nothing, really... except when i threw my hat and it landed exactly where i expected it to. not in a bitter way, just in a i would not have it any other way... way. i ended up driving that night, no car crash, thank god. too many close calls in my life lately for that kind of curve ball. now that pretty little dress smells like cigars and excitement, but i threw it on the floor.

and i realize that this has become a narrative of some sorts. which means i have no idea what i am talking about.

because beyond the size of this world and the farad, goodbye has been something that i cannot understand.

it has not filled me.

lying on the floor with hair spread around me
curled like a baby
crying like a girl
makeup smeared like a woman

everything i say will be belittled and made okay
is there anything to be done?
no
so i lie there
changing only to relieve my curved back
or rub off a tear that has found its way into my ear

i remember the feeling of goo on my feet
and love on my chest
then a night without a love to say sleep tight my darling

because i knew when driving that life would not be normal
it would not be family
or security
it would be balance

telling it like it is
driving home without music
taking the long way for the long way's sake
and realizing i have been milked dry

hallelujah
hallelujah