stellaluna.

"I'm mad at my protectors, I suppose. The ones that never do. Because I can never just fall back and know that they will catch me... I'm always the one apologizing, or messing up. Always the strong one, burying things way deep down and embracing the shallow things, which are so much easier to digest. I always listen, and sometimes I just want to scream the words and 'hate' and 'afraid' right into the midst of my past and see what my fathers will do. Because I don't trust. I can admit that, which makes it seem false.

Today I wondered if human existence was always worth the pain. Good things: shared memories, stomach-straining laughs, passion shared of two that love, and feelings of accomplishment and contentment.

Are these worth the immense pain of unworth? Self doubt? Relational pain?

I want to say yes.

But tonight it almost feels like a no.

Not in a suicidal way.

In a heavy, hopeless, once-again-you-are-not-good-enough way. Yeah. That hurts.

I feel like a bat with wings of wet paper.

Flying is hopeless.

Or maybe this is just tonight."