living a life of choice and conviction: not easy. but something tells me its necessary. sometimes i scare myself with the stuff i am capable of--good and bad... but i know its heading somewhere. the way i think. big circles as the fog clears and then details details details. why doesn't he want me? why does it matter? how does everything get so deep so quickly lately? it scares me. but something tells me it is me. finally i am finding that confidence in me and of me. and it doesn't mean happiness but it means a new point in my life; a point that rests on the arbitrary. its delicacy and complexity strain me, but i must always believe in the worth i have as just me. you cannot live for other people, it will kill you. i am sure of it. but i will live for the god who pisses me off but love. and who loves me. and he will see me through, he will show me my worth and value and potential. he will make me okay again. for this i pray every night. and for my best friend, because she is everything to me. and she deserves everything. lord, let people into my life who will only heal me. who will cherish me. because people who understand me know i need that, and yeah, i deserve that. friends. boys. boys who are friends. adults. employers. professors. show me that i am finally worth it all despite the voices in my head that tell me that i am nothing, and that my life is aimless, and that there is no hope. keep my head above water and my voice true to myself. give me honest words to those who deserve them of me; to those who i can share a part of my soul. grant me peace with what i have been given and the choices i have made. although fairly convinced i have hit rock bottom, you never know. so bring me up. i dare you. because i want it. and if life is mine to grab, and people say i can choose to be happy, allow me to choose the future that is mine. i will live this life and be in this world if i am capable of making the changes to be happy again.
give it to me.