we are ready now.

our worlds can alter in the blink of an eye

predictions falling like dizzy dancers

all i want is to cover you in love so you won't ever see the darkness that is street corners

take my hands

fold them up

just so you have something to hold on to

a curious thing.

another christmas passes by, and i am left befuddled by my curious family once again.

top (both good and bad, and in no particular order) memories:

1. beautiful indian boy massaging my hands in a organic beauty store.

2. my sensitive grandmother saying that my nose ring looks like a pig's.

3. realizing that i do actually love some of my extended family.

4. seeing how lucky i am with my immediate family.

5. buying a bump-it (FINALLY!!) at the dollarama.

6. a. being canadian.

b. partaking in family "christmas shots."

7. crying with my grandmother at the tragedy of alzheimer's.

8. meeting one of my cousins who i have not seen in a decade.

9. wearing this fantastic hoodie that i purchased thanks to boxing day... slash going shopping and actually bonding with my cousins.

10. reading heinous lyrics to my 55-year-old uncle's ridiculous songs for his mandolin (we don't play a flat tricks / we stick with a major and get the chicks).

oh canada. i don't know for how much longer we will be going to canada for christmas. soon my siblings and I will be rooted in jobs and spread all over, and these forced ties between certain family members will be lost. family is a strange, strange thing when you think about it.

the equinox.

while the sun boosts your self esteem, i will tear into muscles and nibble on pretzels. my hopes will dash the new year in its tracks, and my future will astound. if only the ones i love the most could point me in the right direction... or else music will carry me far away from anything sensible and i will live this life like it is my first day. stop leaning on walls; they will get you nowhere but the ground. leave your chains behind you, and embrace the future that is you and a Plan--for everyday gets longer from here on out. cordless, i will fly to a telephone pole and i will send messages by yelling on the tops of them as the shouts pierce the wires, so, maybe then, you will be stranded in your disastrous desire. part of me hopes you stay there forever.

remember this, love:

when you only love the things you see, you will find yourself alone in the night.

dear gremlin, this is not about you. just fyi.

your love's too big for me.

and these things i hold on to

precious for a moment

then gone once everything around me

lights up the room

i will devour these feelings

until the cold goes away

and i have returned to the person i am when dreaming

first semester.

biting my lips

saying it doesn't hurt

hating admitting it to myself

living like today will never end

losing faith that it will

hoping for a great tomorrow

first semester, you are done. almost. so close.

please end

now

to be a decimal.

in this negativity i will stay

it is easier to block out potential

anything

isn't it true that we do not love the ones around us

until they are gone?

close my doors

close my eyes

look to the ceiling

hoping that the tiles will peel away and a

hand

will pick me up and carry me as if flying

just like in my dreams

i have not flown in a while

its not about the notes

or the highlighters

but the realization of me

of mirrors

of glass windows--

see through

just a girl in jeans

one of thousands

and that's a decimal

this again.

looking for an answer on tv

in dreams

in strangers

in comfort

in laughter

in absolute trust and expectation for those who get too close

i am sorry for who i am

that i am weak

that i care too much

i have begun to clench my jaw again, and the endlessly nervous feeling wrenching my heart around

if you don't leave me alone, i will act

and it will be so bad

and so so so so so so so good

and my words are those of 1st grader because my vocabulary has been expended on review sheets and comprehension

its easy as 1 2 3

a b c

give me my report card, and tell me what to see

el paso.

a mismatch of people, like a ragged warm quilt. surrounding me, supporting me, influencing my

steps.

to stand, i discern and balance all that i hear to protect my malleable mind, taking care not to lose myself in red hair, yoga mats, and articles.

for it is not the goal, but the journey: that journey of independence, silence, and solitude in the morning.

my face forms a calm, pleased person whom i know as myself, resting in the depths of possibility and the fragility of tomorrow.

and on this tight-wire i will stand, clinging on to the air in front of me, hoping for the new day and assurance of forever.

door. open. pockets.

chilly wind carves out our jawlines and sharpens our cheekbones, as the wind fills in the empty spaces inside our jackets. rushing inside as snowflakes melt off our eyelashes, likes tears. and we cry over the big things to miss the little flakes left on our shoulders, clinging to us for distance.

pity for the foolish man.

to those who do not have time:

your oblivious, ignorant attitude while cause your eyes to lose sight, and your hearts to harden. pity for the foolish man. instead, nod your heads to the powerful speaker and laugh. for i will smile and sing when i feel you can see me, pitying the fool while praying for ignorance.

"you embarrass me. you embarrass yourself"

december two.

for now, the snow is clean and light