longest post ever!!!

okay, this sounds dumb, but i feel older.
it's something like the holidays aren't special anymore, and stuff that used to be so fun just doesn't get my heart rate going anymore. and being tired, and never really understanding because every question that i am going to have from now on isn't going to be "yes" or "no" in two seconds.
and wonderful rambling-on sentences because that's kind of how my mind thinks.

ah ha.

and then i realize that i change everyday, if not on the outside, than the in. i never really know what i am thinking, and i am not as eloquent as elle, or as thoughtful as kat, or as open as belle to say something about me just running in circles wondering if i was supposed to stop a while ago or just keep on chugging because what the hell? maybe i'll trip and i'll see myself in a puddle.

you know, that "a ha!" moment of really getting something for like one second. instead, it is just me, wishing i wasn't committed, wanting to sleep. because my dreams don't make sense, but at least i know that's okay.

and you're probably reading this (or maybe you're not... hmm. that's embarassing. how do you spell embarassing anyways? emberassing. emberessing. i give up.) and just thinking where the heck is she going with this??? and i have an answer for you. i don't know. but writing is a release, so here's me writing down a few of my run on sentence thoughts. and if they make sense to you, lemme know. because right now, i just want to see a puddle with my face and have an "a ha!!!!!" moment, EVEN if it means getting my new pretty boots wet.

i know. it's that big of a deal.

common sense is saying, "hey you! stop typing. it's kind of like you're digging a giant hole filled with NO ONE CARES" but I think i will keep going. because maybe someone fascinated with how the mind works will take a mo to read this pretty much un-filtered post.

i remember once my dad went to the emergency room and i was sitting at a window and just crying because i was confused, and then i went downstairs to watch gilmore girls, because i was kind of jealous of these girls who's biggest issue was if jess would stop being such a bad-ass. it was kind of nice losing myself in the land of fast talking and coffee at luke's and oh em gee logan is SO HOTT. because there's nothing simpler than a script. they tell you what to do even when you're not talking for goodness sake. maybe that's why i like acting. i dunno.

i sort of find comfort in the mystery of a person's depth and memory. like that excuses having personality confusion... it's kind of nice.

i hate that commercial before movies for pepsi max, that one part where the guy drops a bowling ball on the back of some guy's head. my dad has a scar there.

i like saying stuff that i know is true about myself out loud. strange security.

i wanted my birthday to be over on tuesday... don't ask me why.

this is a really long post. i wonder if anyone will finish it.

i want to test you by saying something like "if you read this whole post, clap twice!!!" like they do in kindergarten. except i'm probably not sitting by you, slash anywhere near you. so it would just be dumb.

hey but if you did clap, that's pretty cool.

where was i going with this? i don't remember.

i'm gonna stop.

...

now.