it's more than girl talk.

so often i am tempted to be honest, but i am silenced by the fear of cruelty, or the worry of losing pride. all i want is to say what i mean, and come clean to the world--but it is never only about me. all my secrets and feelings concern so many other people, that they are not really my secrets to tell. so i smile silently, and surround myself with a few people that i can trust. because a secret means little to me unless i can cry or laugh with someone else.

sharing.

like in kindergarten.

longest post ever!!!

okay, this sounds dumb, but i feel older.
it's something like the holidays aren't special anymore, and stuff that used to be so fun just doesn't get my heart rate going anymore. and being tired, and never really understanding because every question that i am going to have from now on isn't going to be "yes" or "no" in two seconds.
and wonderful rambling-on sentences because that's kind of how my mind thinks.

ah ha.

and then i realize that i change everyday, if not on the outside, than the in. i never really know what i am thinking, and i am not as eloquent as elle, or as thoughtful as kat, or as open as belle to say something about me just running in circles wondering if i was supposed to stop a while ago or just keep on chugging because what the hell? maybe i'll trip and i'll see myself in a puddle.

you know, that "a ha!" moment of really getting something for like one second. instead, it is just me, wishing i wasn't committed, wanting to sleep. because my dreams don't make sense, but at least i know that's okay.

and you're probably reading this (or maybe you're not... hmm. that's embarassing. how do you spell embarassing anyways? emberassing. emberessing. i give up.) and just thinking where the heck is she going with this??? and i have an answer for you. i don't know. but writing is a release, so here's me writing down a few of my run on sentence thoughts. and if they make sense to you, lemme know. because right now, i just want to see a puddle with my face and have an "a ha!!!!!" moment, EVEN if it means getting my new pretty boots wet.

i know. it's that big of a deal.

common sense is saying, "hey you! stop typing. it's kind of like you're digging a giant hole filled with NO ONE CARES" but I think i will keep going. because maybe someone fascinated with how the mind works will take a mo to read this pretty much un-filtered post.

i remember once my dad went to the emergency room and i was sitting at a window and just crying because i was confused, and then i went downstairs to watch gilmore girls, because i was kind of jealous of these girls who's biggest issue was if jess would stop being such a bad-ass. it was kind of nice losing myself in the land of fast talking and coffee at luke's and oh em gee logan is SO HOTT. because there's nothing simpler than a script. they tell you what to do even when you're not talking for goodness sake. maybe that's why i like acting. i dunno.

i sort of find comfort in the mystery of a person's depth and memory. like that excuses having personality confusion... it's kind of nice.

i hate that commercial before movies for pepsi max, that one part where the guy drops a bowling ball on the back of some guy's head. my dad has a scar there.

i like saying stuff that i know is true about myself out loud. strange security.

i wanted my birthday to be over on tuesday... don't ask me why.

this is a really long post. i wonder if anyone will finish it.

i want to test you by saying something like "if you read this whole post, clap twice!!!" like they do in kindergarten. except i'm probably not sitting by you, slash anywhere near you. so it would just be dumb.

hey but if you did clap, that's pretty cool.

where was i going with this? i don't remember.

i'm gonna stop.

...

now.

high school.

have you ever noticed that something that is only supposed to be between two people involves everyone?

yes... i cried.

it's just that it was goodbye to something so much more...

this is the last time, i will say these words. i remember the first time..

this is the last time.
it's only my second... but it will still be sad anyways.
i invest too much of my life into this it's hard to just brush it off once it's done.
so let this be the last, the best, the most memorable, and the most fun--all while getting it done.

ode to panic.

i wanted a new perspective on life, so i sat down in my shower.
my hair took much too long to dry, for it was thick with water.
but i enjoyed the simplicity of silently sitting as water warmed my skin.
el fin.

dual/duel.

half logic, half of something else. all i want is a two step plan, but biology forbids me from following and finding. i say what i love, and i hate it in moments. some things i say, and even more i do not follow. i am a failure at following in this way, but i succeed in at least recognizing. recognize... a word that means quite a bit to me. for the people that love can recognize, and realize. find and follow. recognize and realize. perhaps it is with an s. but don't ask me... in the elite i am merely at the bottom, but above the deepest waters. i am broken, and so was he. but we had a perfect moment... together we made something that neither will forget, unless memory so chooses to strip us of even our one perfect moment. we followed, we found. we recognized, and we realized. and all i want is a two step plan... but somehow life forbids it. but a perfect moment... that seems simple enough. to go on with my life, to discover what i cannot, and will not, but i should, but i can't, and so the endless volley between one half of my brain and the other battles. a blessing and a curse. half logic, and half of something else.

and this is not one thing in my life. it is the all. it is life pushing me around because i always forget that control is a word that i will never truly understand.

get it done.

i just do stuff occasionally, and i don't know why, and i don't have an explanation, and i don't always know what to say, and i wish i were better, and i wish i could keep everyone happy, but i can't, so i just put on my stuff, figure my own stuff out, keep a level head, never miss a cue, never miss a homework assignment, and never miss an opportunity to piss someone off without meaning it. and i live my life okay.



and yet there's always someone that's not happy.
and it makes me mad.

black and white and gray and stuff.

Sometimes I find it hard to find the fine line that rests between "wrong" and "right". Want to know a secret? Sometimes, i don't even think it exists.