seek and ye shall find.

what do you do when your life is turned upside down? not in a way that i don't know what to do, just plans are thrown aside and i am once again scared to take the leap. scared to lose control. not believing in myself... and then realizing that nothing is holding me back but myself. "my failure is coming." maybe it is. but can i turn down the opportunity? the chance to finally believe in and prove myself? i've been given everything to succeed... but am i too scared to actually go?

all i can do is pray and wonder.

life goes crazy when you ask it to, it will flip upside down.

so she closes her eyes and takes the leap into a big black hole with nothing to grip.

society's circus.

stop with the touching

the flicks of your hair

the untouchable bruises

and suggestive stares

a girl of nineteen

should not act like that

you're losing your touch

an aged, broken acrobat

oh for a day to be unseen

a day for the peasant to become the queen

the rules she would make

the brushed are unclean

and all of this

to become the seen

just let go.

pure elation

so i ate my victory cake

chocolate, of course

it means hope

it means a future despite everything

and the only few things i could do was breathe, "thank you," cry, and slip on the pavement

i would have it no other way.

i stole the night.

the section that is mine is what i will stow away with in the night. clutching it in my arms as i throw up a silent prayer of inadequate longings, i will steal the night and run up to the only door i truly know. i fully appreciate watching movies because you can watch someone else figure out their own life. so if you're wondering where the night went, i stole it. i left it all upstairs when i stole the night from everyone and everything that has ever touched me, and all i felt like was a thief who knows nothing but the darkness when all the ties are cut and warmth rests upon me. a speechless nothing that i can fully appreciate like a movie about war--for i am the kidnapped of this world and i can do nothing to stop it but steal the night

steal the night

steal

the

night

positives and negatives.

is this all we are?

fights and worries?

every human i have heard

bickering

yelling

hurt

cant we stay inside,

and wipe away all that makes us human?

unsure if i am

here

not wanting anything, anymore

god give me a referee

a shrink

a list?

i will find a way by myself as i swim in the certainty of things that i know i do not want

and those negatives?

they will show me the positives

some say that they are a different color

lasting.

i need to discover what i need

harsh... i hope that i am sorry.

in that one moment i took all of the anger of the world and shoved it inside of my stomach and wrung it out with my hands that shook with rage.

it lasted only a second or two,

the aftershock was longer.

it hurt.

just like you used to.

why does it matter?

because i cannot overcome the hurdle,

i cannot beat you,

i cannot beat myself.

and that is why i will run,

swim,

drink,

and cleanse myself of everything that is you until i will

stop.

all i can think is that someone like me was not worth trying for.

and that hurts more than your shameless and cavalier ambience,

you fake.