pancakes and thunder.

thanks is a very overused
yet underused
word

it is never enough
but it can never be used too much
so,
thanks god
for
keeping me alive
giving me my family
my loving friends
the ones that try
food to eat
gifts to use
and a soul to love

thanks

success.

to be beautiful, to be perfect, to be success and it's outcome. things that every aspiring teenager struggles with, but eventually comes to term with
that pretty is enough
a few mistakes are okay
and success is fairly relative.

because i hold him close and he loves to see me
and i make mistakes but i learn my lesson
and i am accomplished in my own right.

i don't run the mile, but i finish eventually.
plus, if i don't run, i have just enough breath to sing a song that will inevitably come to my mind.

success is fairly relative.

gone.

i am still here.

why?

i could be gone.

blown out.

gone.

gone.

gone?

gone.

that word means nothing, really.

because it doesn't make my average existence any more or less.

just here.

comprehension, reflection, apprehension.

gone.

seventeen.

i feel that today will be one of expectations too high and burns too deep to really know what i am underneath. of hopes, and thoughts, when all they really mean is that everything will happen and i will be pushed wherever he wants me. because really, i am just blowing whichever way the wind takes me, as i pretend to walk with purpose and find little things to make an overall effect. i am nothing more than an accent misplaced, with a memory filled already with dust. because i am sick, and hunger for nothing but security in someone or something that i love, when in actuality i am left sitting in a sweaty chair watching my past go by with the newspaper. silent observer? hardly. but i think that i deserve less than that chair sometimes. or maybe that is me comprehending experience. so speak. because deep down i'm scared as hell, and i'm only seventeen.

and all this is is words
words
words

ouch.

i laughed because i love my life and everything happens at the wrong moments which always turns out just right.

pictures of me.

note to self:
try to be more attractive. haha.
posture is a good place to start.

no, this is probably not about who you think it is.

and so he will judge, and not forget
till someone smiles and lets him go
i've seen the pictures
and self assured smiles
until he sees that all the while
his head was lost in an ignorant fog
of lofty ideas and gilded crowns
for i was in another time
and now we're crossing
maybe for life.

maybe this is why.

i became overwhelmed by all these things to pray for, and realized i'm very poor with words.

one color.

i like that, elle.

out like a candle, flickering.

today i got pizza, and became that shy girl who lowers her eyes so her eyelids cover her pupils like blankets when she speaks, and the girl who presses her lips together when she senses potential eye contact.

i felt like a flower, almost as if i blended in with my jacket.

just another flower in a garden full of weeds and berries,

although lately i do not mind.

the meaning of life? (for today.)

embracing real life is:

realizing that some people will never want to talk to you
there's no such thing as a legacy
in some ways, you are stuck with what you were given
knowing that not everything is exciting, then
trying to find little things to make you see more
forgiving and forgetting, no matter what
learning not everything will click for you
some things are impossible
some things are not
trusting that someone has a will and a way for your life


and in all, hope for tomorrow because sometimes today isn't what we expect, or what it should be.

saturday.

stuff like smoke escaping from his lips, tears in my jeans, the smell of outside on my black jacket, and realizing i am growing out of my shirts.

*******-belle.

typically i wouldn't consider myself that way, but it seems as soon as someone catches on to something more, i can't handle it and i shut down, malfunction. a barrier. i would rather have you think what you do now then ever guess at what is behind a dull looking door.

adoption.

theme of my days, as of late.

because for so many things, life is a swirl of colors lifted up like dancing napkins.

body pillows.

half and half. how was it all? was it worth it? not for winning, not for acting, not for points. for friends, and singing my heart out until i thought my chest might explode. losing my voice, and lifting those up who didn't have the heart to make a sound. a trifecta? no such thing. but i will carry you on my other shoulder if points don't add up, or love from others just isn't enough.

and until then, i will sing, sing, sing, and lose my voice until my little sounds make a difference.