bass head.

there would be colors as many as we have water

your face close by larger than life as our heads would pound pound pound

out of this world

everything we've been warned about an experience to never tell our children but dictates reality and color and plain and simple and noise

bass head

bass

so we can forget everything that sets us back and a world that is my own and it occupies my every thought and action and lack of action and breath and flicker of my eyes

look at me one more time

let go let go let go

i am alone but i want you close close closer

bass

bass head

i need a la la la la la

i need a oo la la la love

bass

bass head

trace in my highlighter ink

and i glow

tripping over wires that weren't there before

la la la la love

bass

bass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRftXCiqfQ8

broken in half.

pencil, trace my outline

because for once, thats all there is

nothing pulling at me

except for the inner chords that make up the one person i always have been

but too afraid to let her be

no one will know,

for no one can see

no one but me

for i live with the shame of all my lies and all my faults and all my wishes and all my endeavors and all my pride [fallen] until they

shattered

every last one

so here i am left with nothing to draw but

myself

whoever she is

not who she wants to be

for i am done putting my faith in things that crash and fall

my inner chords are sour, imbalanced, somehow off

now i will listen closely to my soul and not the whispers of others,

my own voice included

for she lies

but me

i am not complicated

i am simple

simply downtrodden and forgetful of my own experience

blank

open, two halves

write on me, savior

4' 33".

apparently i was not worth cooking for. a craving, a hunger for being good enough. all of them letting me go. dicks. searching for a girl skinnier, pelvis first. i want release, for my ti to become a do, a tendency leading me forward. contrarily, i lie stuck in one position so my shirt won't slip off my shoulder. and slowly, i see the world i knew dying around me, inside me. it is the same. to your rue {making sore your tender pride}, i will drop you for another more humble. eyes across the room, all i know is i am moving down into something more deep than the color of your eyes and the length of your hair and the ranks of your ego. down into something more. change inside me, change around me.

music is both sound and silence.

to do what?

when i left home this morning it was summer, and upon my return there was fall.

don't call her sweetheart, thats me.

have you ever felt tired and anxious at the same time? its more draining than exercise.

too many people, too little time. not enough time for cleaning and sitting and being.

to do. to do what?

up in the woods.

my lover, the wind, plays with my hair as my feet which will travel the world take me nowhere in particular. suddenly my fists hold all the energy in the world and all i can do is breathe deeply to let the rush flood my veins till it spills out the tips of my hair, and this is everything. one day, my love and i will meet in the middle; love is equal, and love is safe. guitar strings click in the silence and darkness falls like the universe's eyelid and i am up in the woods and on a direct route to haphazard and for once in my life i love it and i cannot get enough. slowly my chest fills with the feeling that the dark has come and knowledge makes my head heavy because i know i will become lost in it which is something i've always wanted but feared and hated all at once and the energy returns and i am pushing myself forward because the dark has become night and i am alone with the streetlights and they don't want to see me. i want to be lost. but my heart wants to be found and held so the darkness will not take it too. at twilight my soul met my body and they danced until i didnt feel so lost because heaven is a place and energy is a visceral and tangible reality that culminates in nothing but words on a page but it feels like heaven. which is a place. but i am here, up in the woods, where no one sees me but the streetlights and no one would know i was gone for a day or so until my soul had left the earth and my body lay in the woods. after that there would be no more dancing except for the woods whose branches sway in the occasional breeze that is night and moon and anticipation of the end coming. the branches tease my face, the shell of my soul, and my body walks on till the inevitable morning.

these are my choice notes.

sitting on the beach was one of the best moments i've had all summer. glen arbor is absolutely gorgeous... the stones on the beach, the grainy sand, the ribbons of color in the water. the temperature was perfect. complete separation from everything was the perfect therapy. now i am back, i have to deal with the boy situation, which sucks. and hear about working out and dieting and being better and all that shit. which i give in to... frequently.

both my siblings are in relationships. both seem like their lives are going to be figured out. predictable career paths, staying local. and what the fuck am i doing? singing? moving? resting on potential? i dont know.

i want to move out of my house into an apartment all by myself so i can stop worrying about everything im "supposed" to be doing. i need to learn what really makes me happy regardless of outside pressures. and i need to learn to be happy for people for what they have. i need to write and be alone... because it felt really good.

"stop telling me what i need to do. i will figure it out."

a fact.

it makes me sad. that i cannot feel without hurting another

something so internal

turned into a storm of spite

i want to make it all easy

but usually it gets worse.

not poetry

just something undeniable