life should happen starting now.

yeeeeeeeeah i can't sleep. i tried. my mind is going crazy reflecting and thinking about my last time for everything before my definition of everything changes. so change already... because i'm sick of waiting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdvlf6rJC7I&ob=av2n

one, two, three, four, five, and six.

one more detour and you are done. two more nights and you are out. three more pairs of jeans that don't look quite right.

i move, you move. never will i admit it. dashingly i will avoid all fabrications of your mind, and breathing hard for the last time we shall fall fall fall back.

four people once judged me. five people once hurt me. and six?

six means nothing. just a number on a die that has no control and represents yet another one of my unreasonable fears for having no trust for my split ankles and twisted balance.

tell me what to believe and for once i will take your word as truth. for i am gullible, but not quick to trust.

french.

we hit a bunny on the way back from the park

you asked why i couldn't stay out

i told you i was too young

you left

we remembered sharing smoke

sore joints.

reactions unstirred, yet attentive to the things that i can

touch around me

sensory like a child

how to let yourself love so foolishly

squandering my well-being away with a kiss to a beautiful stranger who haunts my porch

and who's rumble-down engine fills my thoughts every time i see the jet black shine in the late afternoon

pools of oil on my white driveway

luster like a black; streaks of pink and

yellow

for we were not that simple

so the stains remain

and i scrub myself clean

living loud

so i can forget the sound

of your ego revolving around plastic rotation of a flimsy desire

let me be

so i can learn to find that beat within again

sans you

independently lifting cupboards far too heavy and keys too foreign

for my fickle fingers

and wrists askew

mr. clean.

my dirty feet marked the start of something new

cleansing with transparent lavender, i found the things to

make life clean again

i am done checking and waiting

routing number changed

there is a whole world out there

and it smells like lavender.

cemetary junction.

today i agreed to a fate of lying around

so i woke up late

talked about the grey-ness of a future not everybody understands

my need to rebel escape and question

how it is almost easier to be different if no one is telling you to

things will be okay for me

i have heard the predictions

the evidence is in front of me

an old arab proverb says

"pretend your deepest desire is right in front of you, and just grab it"

honestly i don't really understand

but it seems right

and i love change and the imminent future

so today i will talk

but tomorrow i will take hold of something tightly and

just run with it

absorb.

for now i put aside form fitting clothing and eyelashes and the color black

lay on the floor

and absorb what i do not know