let me tell you something about your religion.

let me tell you something about your religion. your holiness sets you apart, you are better than the rest. because god personally chose you to speak to and love, you are allowed to consider my humanistic way of living despicable and below you. because you went to africa, you have been to the promise land, you personally have saved the gentiles. good for you. because you have decided that god has chosen you, you are allowed to look down on those who can't quite bear to sit every sunday in the front pew listening to words. let me tell you something about your religion. you claim love is your life, but you can't bring yourself to the level of those who need to be loved. you scoop your hand down into darkness, but are afraid of the dirt underneath your fingernails. you assume god speaks to you. because you, of all people, deserve it, because you love. your love is a lie. because loving is trust, and i don't trust you with my real, dirty, ugly feelings and thoughts. where i see rain clouds, you see sunshine, because you can't bear to think that there is any darkness except at parties and in africa (god save them). there are problems in life you don't even know, because you are too scared of a life that is real. a life that doubts, and hates. let me tell you something about your religion. it is a falsehood. it is blind. it is self absorbed, and it disgusts me. i may not live the perfect life, but i know how to hate. and this makes me know love. i know doubt. and this makes me know faith. let me tell you something about your religion.

it is a lie.

feels like summer, tastes like fall.

i can hear the leaves turning in on themselves, crunching

gasping

who has found the trigger that turns us in on ourselves?

retrospection becomes retrograde

questioning again

we fell in love when all the leaves were gone

thanks to her, i always know where you are now

but you didn't love music

you didn't love me when i wasn't there

you didn't love anyone but yourself

to this day you make me hurt

but i am ready for a new face, a new feeling

the air is so perfect it feels like nothing against my skin

silence and crackles

whistles

closes in

surrounds me till there is nothing else

and in this silence i love myself and love everything that has happened to me

because it has brought me to today in this silent moment where the world feels like nothing but the timely crackling of leaves

someone like you.

shrouded in darkness

cover these words with a black veil; unpure

my broken bones will drag themselves to a city on the sea where no one know me,

no one knows you

starting over with everyone, with myself

leaving my lost loves and sallow ambitions, colored by excuses and fears

my stomach is full of disappointment, mean words, and salt

salt stings the eyes, my drowning mouth, my yellow teeth, stringy hair

my complexion screams my wellbeing; disgusting

i am no one, if anything

second guessing everything i used to pride myself on, for nothing is left to love

i will cut all the ties, open all the scars, leaving my life on the chopping block, waiting for surgery to inevitably sear what is whole

burns in the oven

i often wonder if anyone really knows me at all

including myself

bass head.

there would be colors as many as we have water

your face close by larger than life as our heads would pound pound pound

out of this world

everything we've been warned about an experience to never tell our children but dictates reality and color and plain and simple and noise

bass head

bass

so we can forget everything that sets us back and a world that is my own and it occupies my every thought and action and lack of action and breath and flicker of my eyes

look at me one more time

let go let go let go

i am alone but i want you close close closer

bass

bass head

i need a la la la la la

i need a oo la la la love

bass

bass head

trace in my highlighter ink

and i glow

tripping over wires that weren't there before

la la la la love

bass

bass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRftXCiqfQ8

broken in half.

pencil, trace my outline

because for once, thats all there is

nothing pulling at me

except for the inner chords that make up the one person i always have been

but too afraid to let her be

no one will know,

for no one can see

no one but me

for i live with the shame of all my lies and all my faults and all my wishes and all my endeavors and all my pride [fallen] until they

shattered

every last one

so here i am left with nothing to draw but

myself

whoever she is

not who she wants to be

for i am done putting my faith in things that crash and fall

my inner chords are sour, imbalanced, somehow off

now i will listen closely to my soul and not the whispers of others,

my own voice included

for she lies

but me

i am not complicated

i am simple

simply downtrodden and forgetful of my own experience

blank

open, two halves

write on me, savior

4' 33".

apparently i was not worth cooking for. a craving, a hunger for being good enough. all of them letting me go. dicks. searching for a girl skinnier, pelvis first. i want release, for my ti to become a do, a tendency leading me forward. contrarily, i lie stuck in one position so my shirt won't slip off my shoulder. and slowly, i see the world i knew dying around me, inside me. it is the same. to your rue {making sore your tender pride}, i will drop you for another more humble. eyes across the room, all i know is i am moving down into something more deep than the color of your eyes and the length of your hair and the ranks of your ego. down into something more. change inside me, change around me.

music is both sound and silence.

to do what?

when i left home this morning it was summer, and upon my return there was fall.

don't call her sweetheart, thats me.

have you ever felt tired and anxious at the same time? its more draining than exercise.

too many people, too little time. not enough time for cleaning and sitting and being.

to do. to do what?